Trigger Warning: This passage may contain thoughts of depression, self hate, self harm, suicide, manic experiences, psychosis and loss of life. All of these could be disturbing to some people. There are no actual descriptions of self harm and suicide in this passage, only the thoughts of them.
Note: This post may contain some vulgar languages, as well as mild sexual references.
Note: This passage is incomplete. More content is being added slowly. Content addition is currently paused.
Note: This is a collection of some key moments of Elisa's life journey that she wrote about, mainly from her Tumblr posts, as well as the insights into her life and personalities inferred from her writings. While this text may depict a partial story of her life journey, it does not include all the details from her Tumblr and Blogspot posts. If you wish for more details of her life to be included, you can either leave a comment below or email snqzspg@gmail.com. Whether it would get included… we'll see
I - Introduction
The death of a 21-year-old Canadian tourist Elisa Lam (Lam Ho Yi, Elisa) was infamous for the eerie and movie-like circumstance that lead to her death. She was acting strange on the infamous lift surveillance footage in the Cecil Hotel / Stay on Main on the night of her disappearance. Two weeks later, she was found dead in the hotel's water tank after people complained about dark water and low water pressure in the hotel. This case had became an "Urban legend" on the internet and many pictured Elisa Lam's case as a horror movie. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) had ultimately ruled her death to be accidental drowning, with her bipolar disorder being the major factor.
On 10th of February 2021, Netflix released a four-part documentary series titled "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel", which brought the case back into the spotlight. It featured the people who are involved in the case, the internet sleuths that was obsessed with the case, the various theories about the case, the death metal singer, alias as Morbid, whose life was turned upside-down by the web sleuths suspecting him as a murderer, and the main theme for this "article", the heavy reference to her posts in her social media, specifically nouvelle-nouveau Tumblr, which she had made semi-private in which Tumblr search and search engine indexing has been disabled on her blog.
I suppose that is the human condition,
to feel so big, so important
but at the same time
to be just a flicker in the universe
and the struggle to come to terms with those two truths
- L.L., source
(Last quote featured by Netflix)
Netflix had done a good job in portraying Elisa as someone who is trying her best to cope with her mental illness, to be the best version of herself and having life goals in mind. In order to fully appreciate the struggles that Elisa had during her tragically shortened life, this "article" will look into some of her social media posts to gain some key insights into her life, how she tried to cope with it, and how she is still making an impact after her death.
II - Content List
III - Introduction II
This is not a horror story about Elisa Lam. This is a collection of some of her key moments in her life and her struggles that she had journaled openly on the Internet. This passage depicts the story of a young and sweet soul that was lost to the world too soon.
Elisa was born on the 30th of April, 1991. Her parents had immigrated from Hong Kong to settle in Canada, specifically Vancouver in British Columbia.
Growing up, she had a very competitive spirit when it comes to academics, always strived for excellence in her grades. She also enjoyed running and had participated in her school’s Cross Country. She believed that she was socially inept. Despite so, she was quite popular among some of her elementary and high school classmates, and had a good circle of friends. She also felt inspired by her literature class and enjoyed them. She also developed the creative ability of describing experiences and reflections with deep feeling-inducing expressions.
Her first language was English, and she was very fluent in it. She also knew some Cantonese from her parents, who moved from Hong Kong, speak it as their first language. She also picked up French as her tertiary language, but she was not fluent in it.
She was also a book lover and loved to read since middle school. Her class always goes a step ahead, introducing books that are beyond the current level recommended for her grade. She was a great fan of Harry Potter and The Great Gatsby. She was also a fan of Twilight, although she sometimes questioned that fandom, and Sherlock Holmes. She also loved a ton of other novels and loved reading as her pass-time.
She was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder later on in her life, which muddled her world and self view. This had caused a great setback in her life. However, she strived to be the best of herself, to outwit her mental illness, even her suicidal thoughts, in order to enjoy and live a life that worth living, and to achieve her ambitions.
1 - Elisa's Internet Appearance
1.1 - Blogs
 |
| Elisa's nouvelle/nouveau tumblr blog |
Elisa has four blogs. The blogs are:
- Ether Fields - https://etherfields.blogspot.com/
- nouvelle/nouveau - https://nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/ (Archive Page)
- Bruit de fond - https://bruitdefond-blog.tumblr.com/ (Archive Page)
- belvedere - https://afineview.blogspot.com/
She started her Ether Fields blog in mid 2010, posted some fashion pictures and documented her thoughts, feelings and struggles there. She then decided to start a Tumblr blog in March 2011. She named her tumblr nouvelle/nouveau (French for "new", feminine and masculine respectively) [There's a third term for "new" in French, nouvel, which is also masculine, but for nouns beginning with vowels.] and she also re-blogged many fashion and artsy things there. She also expressed her struggles with her life and eventually her mental conditions.
On August that year, she created another Tumblr Blog named Bruit de fond (translates to Background noise), which she made to be "a style supplement to nouvelle-nouveau". She claimed that she would be posting mostly style related things there.
The final blog "belvedere" is a bit of a mystery, as there is not much information about it. It could be a blog that Elisa planned to post about her travels, possibly posting beautiful sceneries from buildings with good vantage points. She appeared to have more travel plans in mind. The blog do not contain any posts and it is not know when this blog came into existence. (Though the feed summary for the blog was apparently last updated in August 2018?? It could be related to the end of Google Plus).
1.1.1 - Current Status
All of her blogs are online as of April 2021. Her blogspot blogs are working fine, but her Tumblr blogs shows a blank homepage, due to the site providing the theme assets for her Tumblr blogs closing somewhere between 2017 and 2018. It is however, technically possible to restore the normal blog function by coding an extension. The technical details about how her blog ends up broken are here.
1.1.2 - Statistics
Elisa's "nouvelle/nouveau" Tumblr blog has a total of 24457 posts.
Out of the 24457 posts, 22086 of them are reblogs, 2370 of them are original posts and the remaining one had been flagged for possible adult content.
Elisa's "Bruit de fond" blog has a total of 2187 posts.
Out of the 2187 posts, 2077 of them are reblogs, 106 of them are original posts and the remaining four had been flagged for possible adult content.
1.2 - Social Media Accounts
Apart from the blogs, she also has an Instagram account, a Twitter account, a Listography profile and a formspring (no longer exists) account. Her Instagram account has the handle of moulesmariniere, referring to a dish namely Mussels Marinara.
1.3 - Profile
Elisa Lam used an alias, L.L., on the names of her profiles on social media. She seemed to be very cautious about her presence on her internet, and never used her real name on any of her blog or social media posts. In a few of her "asks" in Tumblr when she was asked to send a picture or who is she, she answered that she prefer to be "anonymous".
- L.L., source
1.3.1 - Her other / autre / et cetera page
I don’t know to explain myself and I have a feeling that I never will know who I am so instead of an abstract and useless description I will assure you that I am not a nutjob that hunts for their next victim on the internet. I, however, will think everyone else is a pedophile thanks to To Catch a Predator. I’m logical like that.
Here are some bullet points
- I am twenty-something student in Canada
- I have
no ideahave some idea what I’m studying- I have typical twenty-something issues (specifically bipolar depression ) and every now and then I’ll talk about it sarcastically.
- Despite saying I hate people a lot, I actually enjoy (and require) human interaction but my inability to go outside means I’ll only contact the outside world anonymously and over the internet
Feel free to ask a silly question. It could be an awkward magical adventure for us both.
- L.L., source
In this page she suggested that she had no idea who she is (was). This could be a result from her depression episodes when she had existential crises and self doubt, which was the result of her internal conflict with herself (this will be explored further in chapter 3.6). This could also be due to the fact that she was at her early 20s, which is when people just entered adulthood and therefore still figuring out their place in this world. She also linked "bipolar depression" to "typical twenty-something issues" which while it can be common for some young adults to have issues with their sense of self, it is less common for a twenty something to develop bipolar disorder and arguably it may not be "typical".
From this page it can be deduced that she was also very cautious about her revealing too much information to the people on the internet and had the inner/emotional "approach" of believing people to be sketchy by default. She also gave more vague information about herself.
In contrast to what she said earlier, she added on that even though she may openly claim that she dislike others, she enjoyed having social interactions with people, particularly online. This may sound paradoxical to some, and she detailed her reasoning in her Ether Fields post.
1.3.2 - Epigraph
She used a quote from a novelist Chuck Palahniuk
You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.
as her epigraph for her Blogger and main Tumblr profile.
 |
| Her blogger profile |
This was in conjunction with her having a "relapse" during January 2012 when her terrible mood forced her to drop courses for her university. She was upset that her first year status had been going on for "3 years" and she was worried that with her track record she may not make it into graduate school, which gave her the impression that she is wasting her time.
I feel I am wasting my time compared to my fellow peers.
-L.L., source
She may had felt that this idea of her wasting her life may last her throughout her life journey, and therefore made it an epigraph for her profiles.
1.4 - "qui est"
Elisa started her Ether Fields in mid-2010 and began with a post in French titled "qui est" (meaning "who is") which simply states
qui est the divinitus?qui est elle?qui est moi?
- L.L., source
which translates to "who is 'the divinitus'?", with 'the divinitus' being linked to a now private blog by someone who claimed to be a "euro girl in america", "who is she?" and "who am I?". The context of this post is not known, but her reference to the aforementioned blog could be an inspiration for her to post style related pictures which was seen in her blog posts after. It could also be her questioning herself, but there's little information that could justify that.
1.5 - Fashion blogger
Possibly inspired by 'the divinitus', she started to post many pictures about style from other authors or "fashion bloggers". It displayed her fashion and style interests. Eventually in March 2011 she started her first Tumblr Blog nouvelle/nouveau, as there were many people sharing interests in style and artsy things, and the ease of re-blogging them. She posted her desires for things on both Tumblr and Blogger.
This is why people use tumblr.
But with so many images,
do we spend the extra time to examine the photo before moving onto the next one?
How fast does your brain process it all?
How does your brain connect it all?
-L.L., source
She decided to create a third blog titled Bruit de fond (meaning Background noise) in which she intended to post her style interests there. She later on claimed that she decided to post less style items on nouvelle/nouveau, but it depended on her mood.
? - Physical relations
2 - Emotional Trauma
Elisa had been struggling through depression since the last year of her high school. She was initially doing well until a major decision that turned her emotional situation upside down.
2.1 - High School
The high school that Elisa went to (her high school details was not known) was "ridiculously populated by Asians". There, people are generally academically competitive and are high-achievers; they usually attend extra-curricular classes to be ahead in their academic performance. In grade 8, she was very active and achievement orientated, excelling in academics and participating in sport activities. She joined her high school's cross-country every year. Despite her not being good at running, she enjoyed the sport immensely. She was doing well on her high school until grade 12.
2.1.1 - Grade 12 J-explore programme
She was on a 5-week "j-explore" programme in Quebec, which would be her first time living in a small town and not with her family. Unfortunately she disliked the experience of living in a small town and finding it difficult to make friends with others during the programme. Being the person that does not enjoy drinking and partying, and being (probably one of a few) Asian, she felt that she was unwanted because she felt that she was a boring person. Looking at other having no problem making friends in the programme, she felt that she didn't belong.
I found out quickly that hated small-town living and ohhh in the 5 weeks that I spent there I DID NOT MAKE A SINGLE FRIEND since I’ve never been thrust in a crowd of strangers and done the whole 'meeting new people’ thing that’s apparently a skill. I felt rejected for not being the party/yeah let’s get drunk and do dumb shit type so therefore since I’m ASIAN and not wearing 'hip sexy clothes’ I must be a boring person. Meanwhile, everyone around me had no trouble getting into a group and making plans and hanging out.
- L.L., source
After the programme, she was initially glad to be back with her high school friends again, but it was near graduation and she felt that it would be the last time to be with her friends again.
2.3.2 - High School Volleyball Team
During grade 12, Elisa decided to switch out from cross-country to join a volleyball team in her school. Being one of her favourite sports, she was hopeful that this switch will make her last year of high school a memorable one. But when she first joined the team, her coach informed her that she would not have much opportunity to play as she is already in grade 12 and they need to focus on sharpening the team players who are a grade lower than her, so that they will be competent players once they reach grade 12. Despite so, she was very committed to her volleyball team, making an effort in showing up early to practice, and cheered on her team loudly when she was not playing. She kept up her hope that she would have a meaningful experience in volleyball. Alas the coaches did not pay much attention to her and not helping to train her as much as the grade 11 team members. Despite being very committed to her volleyball team, she did not progress much in her volleyball skills and lacked behind her grade 11 team members. She thought that the volleyball coach was being unfair and found her experience to be disappointing. She felt that her efforts and commitment was not appreciated by the team and lost hope in the activity. She eventually quit her volleyball team.
I believe the biggest reason why I got depressed was because I stopped running in my last year of high school.
-L.L., source
Elisa was not on any extra curricular activities after that. She did not participate in cross-country that year, and when she came across her team while they were running, she felt disappointed in herself for leaving the sport, which she would have enjoyed if she had not done so. From this point on, she started to spiral into depression.
Being a well-achiever in academics, Elisa never missed her attendance other than sick days before the emotionally traumatising event. Her attitude and mood had changed drastically and she started to skip school for a week. She had also not contacted any of her friends for that whole week. She eventually returned to school and was not being her usual self. The school counsellor had noticed her behavior changes and started to offer counselling sessions. Eventually, Elisa started to take anti-depressants to help with her emotional struggles.
2.2 - Unpleasant experience in University / College Residence
With her good grades in high school, Elisa had little trouble in getting accepted into university for her excellent grades and extra curricular activities. She got into University of British Columbia, Faculty of Arts. She initially looked forward to her university life, as she felt that it would be a fresh start from the bad experiences she had during her last year of high school. She was looking forward to make some new friends and have a pleasant experience in her university. She chose to stay at the student housing in the University in hopes to meet new people, make new friends, and to join in some social activities in the campus.
On the first day of school, however, the students staying on her floor quickly got around with one another and form a clique, while shunning her. She thought that this was because of her being Asian and they would rather sticking with their "familiar" races. The student leader who was in charge of her dorm (also known as Residential Advisor, or RA) favour those cliques and decided to exclude her from social activities, claiming that Elisa had missed a meeting and did not email the RA beforehand. Her dislike of drinking, wasting time partying and clubbing made it even more challenging for her to make friends as they thought of her as uninteresting to hang out. She was continuously disappointed about her college life as she found herself mostly spending her time in college in solitude, with her hopes of making new friends dashed.
The constant feeling of abandonment by the people around her had worsened her self esteem and made her shameful about herself, and therefore worsened her depression. She eventually have to stop taking courses during school semesters. This resulted in her taking year 1 courses for three years.
2.3 - Her grandfather's death
During her university, when she was not in any courses, she was asked to accompany her grandfather while he was hospitalised. Her grandfather had not been well and his situation does not seem very positive. He was put with a good amount of assisting machines (like ventilators, IV lines, dialysis machines etc.) She believed that due to the way the hospital is preparing for her family, her grandfather might be on his final days. She spent the last 24 hours of her grandfather's life with him and accompanied him when her family was not around. Throughout most of the time he was unconscious. She had an intense emotional moment with her grandfather during his final day, and she had the feeling that he was going to pass soon. Eventually, the nurse asked her to get her family members from the waiting room, to tell them that her grandfather is going to leave this world. She was overwhelmed by her emotions after hearing that, and could not hold back her tears.
During April 2012, her grandmother had a stroke and she refused to see her as she did not want to be overwhelmed again by seeing her family member dying.
She documented her reasoning in a Tumblr post, and also described her experience with her grandfather's final moments [in a (almost) perfect writer style, I could not have described it better even if I tried].
In his final hours, he had trouble breathing so he had a respirator tube in him. As the one who could speak English, I was the one who said "Yes, put him on the respirator". My last words to him was "Don’t be scared" and he looked terrified as a bunch of people in scrubs descended on him and ushered my grandma and I out of the room. In the ICU, he looked so… wrong. His face was wrong, the skin colour was wrong, the fact he was on a respirator was wrong, he was unconscious and I couldn’t talk to him, that there was a dialysis machine doing the work of his kidneys was wrong, and that his liver was done for and that meant he was going to be dead after being in the hospital for a day was wrong. There was a mistake. Someone had marked the test wrong.
My whole family had a private waiting room. Someone commented that this was the hospital’s way of letting you know that they aren’t going to make it. I left the room to go to his bedside and hold his hand, squeezing it to let him know I’m here.
And for a moment, I felt pressure.
He squeezed back.
Time passed and I ended up alone with him again, monitoring the various machines desperately trying to keep my grandpa’s organs working. And then the nurse nudges me and says, “I think you should tell your family to come in. He’s going.”
I cried. Oh god I cried. I couldn’t move. I clutched myself and sobbed as people moved around me. It was over.
He’s gone.
Life goes on.
- L.L., modified, source
2.4 - Her first dog's death
Elisa had a dog somewhere in 2010, but on the 30th of August 2011, her dog got hit by a car and passed away instantly. It struck her very bad. She had very fond memories with him [she referred her dog as him] and now her dog had departed from the world, forever.
The next day, she went to work as usual. When she got on the bus for her morning commute she could not help herself. She cried throughout her bus ride and was still crying when she saw her co-workers she just lost it and broke down in sobs.
She missed her dog so much.
Everyday, when she unlocked her door to her home, he would always be there, furiously wagging his tail.
But today… the house was silent. It was heartbreaking.
Coming Friday, she had no work. She spent the whole day feeling numb. She was mourning over the fact that her dog was no longer with her.
You know the expression “You look like your dog just died”? Well mine did two days ago.
It’s hell, it really is.
- L.L., source
The following days had been really tough for her. She had been thinking about and missing her dog so much. People did not seem to deal with death very well or did not know how to react. It was usually like,
"Oh no, what happened?"
"OMG I’m so sorry! Are you okay?"
No, she was not okay. There was now a gaping hole in her chest.
Everyday when she was home, the fact that her dog was not there to greet her would just remind her about the loss, and it would hurt. It hurt so overwhelmingly that she would not even want to head home anymore. She just head to a mall instead after work to avoid the overwhelming emotions that would inevitably surface.
I just want my puppy back
You’d think it’d get easier with each day but it’s not
I just get overwhelmed every time I come home and he’s not there to greet me.
- L.L., modified, source
Over another few days, she started to become short-tempered. She found herself to be less tolerant of idiots, douchebags, dickheads, bitches, famewhores and all around stupidity. She just had enough.
She also felt pointless to do her everyday things. She got so demoralised that she would not get off her bed anymore. "Why my dog, why didn’t the car stop, why isn’t he at home?" she kept thinking to herself. She was angry all the time. She skipped classes, and she was already behind in school. She also did not want to tidy her room as well.
Would I be happy, attending all my classes, making friends and reading academic papers in my neat room if my dog was still here?
But he’s gone.
- L.L., source
One and a half months later, she got a new puppy and was happy to have a dog in the house again. It would grow up with her, for the rest of her life, presumably.
[Picture: Puppycakes (Requires Account)]
[Picture: Even my dog gets baked potatoes (Requires Account)]
3 - Depression
blah
just apathy
blah
- L.L., source
Ever since the events in her high school and university lowered her self esteem, confidence and her sense of hope, Elisa spiraled into depression and started to take anti-depressants in order to cope with her mood.
She was initially in denial that she is having depression and tried to ignore the emotions that her past trauma brought to her, but the feelings continued to persist and affect her daily life, and that basically suggests that it is not just a temporary low mood.
Having been the "perfect" person she was in high school, her continuous lack of willingness and ability to do things had repeatedly disappointed her as she could not reach the perfection that she expects of herself.
3.1 - Struggle to keep up
[Revision: include content from https://nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/25115918209/i-just-dont-know-what-to-do-about-school]
With the fact that she is not making many friends in university, she contemplated about the fact that most of the time in university she have to spend by herself. She was finding trouble remembering things that she was learning and begun to fall behind her fellow course mates. Being the academic excelling and competitive person she was in her high school years, she now finds herself unable to cope with the increasing pressure and distance to catch up to maintain the same level of competitive attitude as she was in high school. She eventually gave up on trying to catch up and end up procrastinating her work for most of her courses, as well as revisions for her semester tests. Her bipolar condition further worsened the situation by interfering with her sleep patterns. She would sleep or lay in bed for a large proportion of the day on some days, and be unable to sleep well on others. (Detailed in chapter 4)
Eventually her lacking behind in academic progression in university starting to accumulate as she enters multiple semesters with unsatisfactory results. She eventually have to drop courses to cope with her mental and emotional struggles, which she felt shameful about.
Crushed
I’m devastated.
I screwed up another term.
I have to withdraw from two courses.
I needed to do well this term to prove I’m capable of school.
Cat gifs? Hedgehogs being cute?
- L.L., source
She also felt hopeless in the thought that she may have a bad record on her university commitment and not suited for university.
3.2 - Socialising is tiring
She felt that she was getting more socially distant from the people around her. She questioned the values of the friendship that she had in her real life. She felt that her friends are not being really worth it to be having as she felt that she could not depend on them for emotional support should she have a terrible day.
Sometimes
I wonder what is the purpose of having friends,
if you tell them you are having a bad day
and they offer nothing in return?
- L.L., source
She also tried to be more outspoken in contrast to her quite self in the past. However, she felt that despite being more outspoken, she felt that her chance of making new friends did not improve.
Due to her state of mind during depression, she would try to avoid doing any tasks that felt mentally taxing like socialising. Sometimes she would want to be left alone by herself. She described her moments of her disinterest to socialise as "hate-people-mood". She would cycle in and out of this stage from time to time.
3.3 - Socialises better on the Internet
During the three years that she was facing depression, she expressed her thoughts on internet. She would also look at artistically pleasing items, workspaces, rooms, houses or scenes or to indulge in her fashion interests and re-blog them on her Tumblr.
Eventually, she started to find comfort with being on the internet sharing her thoughts. She found that there are people on the internet who, she believed at first, shared her feeling and expressed thoughts that are similar to hers, which she finds to be comforting.
On the internet, she could choose what kind of information to share and what not to share. This allowed her to be behind a virtual mask while expressing her thoughts online with others. She felt that with this virtual mask, people tend to be less judgmental about her, and therefore she felt more comfortable online. She felt that she was dependent on the internet to keep her mental state stable, and felt that she was less lonely online. She believed she could be herself and socialised better on the internet, and that there is this disconnect between the internet world and her real world.
And well, the internet doesn't really have consequences, at least on tumblr (I hope) People can reaaaalllly "be themselves" and just post endless things that make them happy and express themselves. And it's just so weird that through a simple meme, people can find something common in an instant. Can that happen in real life more often?
She also found interest and admired people on the internet for their abilities to create art and express her thoughts in a way that she could not. But she also whished that she could also produce art to express her own feelings and to be creative, and was disappointed that she was not able to do so, despite having certain talents herself (she could play the piano, and unwittingly wrote some Tumblr blogs beautifully).
The internet had became her lifeline for her joy, comfort and sanity. As she found it difficult to make friends and socialise with people in real life, she found out that she was a better person and have a sense of purpose on the internet. She felt that people who are not able to make connections in the real life goes on the internet to search for connections, while being lonely in the real world. The following quote is featured in Netflix's documentary "The Hard Truth" from episode four of "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel".
I suppose we roam on the internet because we aren’t able to find, in our physical lives, the human connection we need for survival. So we search endlessly online, alone.
She was very grateful to be born in the period when the internet exists. She felt that she had no place, no purpose outside of the internet.
"Where would I be without the internet?" she thought.
3.4 - Bitter and Spiteful
3.5 - Most accurate portrayal of depression
On 19th November 2011, she posted a snippet from a post by Allie Brosh, claiming that it is the most accurate portrayal of depression.
Image by Allie Brosh, licensed under CC · BY · NC · ND 3.0 "It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears."
But my sadness didn't have a purpose. Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn't really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason."
The image describes a character who asks herself to stop feeling sad, but it was to no avail as she ends up laying on the couch contemplating about her emotional distress. Elisa relates to this a lot as she was struggling with depression during this time.
She added the following quote
Depression sucks. Period. If someone says to you they have depression, don't ask why. There is no why. Don't say "Stop being sad." That is not helpful. Just be around and make sure they eat and go outside. Remind them every day it will get better. Tell them every day you love them and losing them would be unbearable. There is nothing else you can do.
- L.L., source
after the snippet. This is partially featured in Netflix's documentary series "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel", specifically in the last episode "The Hard Truth". She suggested a way to care for people with depression, which is to remind the person every day that he/she will be better one day, and that he/she matters. She hoped that someone would understand and that they know how to take care of her.
3.6 - "I had a relapse"
[Note: the italicised part are quoted from someone else, who is unknown.]
Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. “That will do,” I thought. “I’ve had my fun, let’s move on to something else now." But the sadness didn’t go away. But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.
A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going to work.
This is pretty much me right now. Send cat gifs please.
#I do not enjoy returning to my 15 year old emo self #and whining for attention or something #I'm about 2 seconds away from taking myspace photos of myself
- L.L., Source
Elisa's depression does not make her moody and unproductive all the time. She was having highs and lows throughout her life. Despite her not doing well for her university year one courses, she had some confidence that she can finish her courses, but need more time. Came new year 2012 she reunited with some of her friends and finally spent some quality time and celebrated new year together. She was not so lonely in real life after all. She also started making her new year resolutions for herself, trying to achieve certain talents and plan to practice new pieces for her piano. She bought a new piano sheet music album for Romantic piano pieces and aimed to start simple by playing Erik Satie - Gymnopédie No.1. She also hoped to spend more time focusing on her studies in university and to limit her time on the internet, and even started to enter classes for Photoshop, or image-editing.
But later in that January, she started to feel that she is not being up to her expectations. She was positive that she could finish her course, but now she had to drop two out of her three incomplete courses that year as her attendance for her classes for her courses had became too poor for her to pass these courses. Her sleep pattern was erratic and this negatively impacted her ability to study in class. She felt disappointed and shame in herself for having so much free time while her friends are busy with their university studies.
I feel I am wasting my time compared to my fellow peers.
She tried to stay away from social media to focus more on her studies, but her inability to follow a regular sleep schedule had caused her to have a very poor attendance on her university. Her professor was actually very understanding and kind to her mental situation. This however made her even guilty about herself that she always being very difficult and disrespectful to her professor.
Instead I am left to wander the streets of downtown looking at frivolous things like clothing but being broke I cannot buy anything and I feel so empty. What is the purpose of owning a nicely curated closet if there is no place to wear it to? What is the purpose of reading countless articles if there is no one to discuss it with?
As much as I do like spending time to myself, when you are alone for so many days, it is not healthy. I know I must start exercising but...excuses.
It is a weariness that keeps me at a standstill.
- L.L., source
3.7 - Self conflict and hate
Elisa had always in a emotional and thought conflict with herself and her thoughts. She felt that her own brain is a separate entity from herself who argues with herself. In her self-arguing context, whether some of the thoughts or arguments is by her or her own "brain" is unclear.
She felt that she have nothing to offer to the world, nothing that the world need her for. She could not find a reason for that, and she tried to find the reason as she believed that there need to be a reason for her lack of value for the world. She started her philosophical contemplation and analysis to find the reason. But eventually she thought that her philosophical contemplation and searching will not help her come closer to an answer. She had been consulting her psychiatrist on a regular basis, but she felt that her consultations does not make any difference in her mental and philosophical situation.
She believes that she should not care about herself and her life anymore.
But "her brain" started to confront herself, "If you don't care then just do things regardless whether you feel like doing it".
"Oh OF COURSE" she exclaimed. "How silly of me!" she said to herself.
She thinks that "her brain" hates her. "I 'choose' this life".
She thanked her psychiatrist for maker her hate herself more.
When her grandmother was hospitalised because of stroke, she refused to see her. She did not want to experience the emotional heartbreak that she had when her grandfather passed again (chapter 2.3). She instead stayed on her bed contemplating about herself.
I had plans laid out and then one day I don’t get out of bed and the next day I wake up and say screw the plan I’d rather stay in my warm cozy bed and days pass until lying in bed is all I know what to do
- L.L., modified, source
She started to feel that she was useless and her life is hopeless as she compared herself to her friends. She thought that her friends all have "a life", have things going for and knew what they were doing, but she was doing nothing for a year, laying in the comfort of her own bed.
"Pathetic! You're really pathetic!" she scolded herself.
"You have had this for three years and can’t even manage to get your life together! You are in the exact same position as you were last year! Oh my god! There has been 40,000 memes created last year and Adele is only 23 and she won a Grammy award! You’re talentless! You lack discipline and you are a lazy ass who gives up when things gets hard and then whine and beg!"
She thought that no one can truly understand her and her thoughts, and understand who she was. She couldn't even understand herself. When someone on the internet asked her what kind of a person she was, she answered that she found it difficult to say as she was not clear herself. Her life was constantly affected by trivial and petty things and annoyances. She could not get herself to perform the tasks and hobbies that she planned herself to do. She was in the idea that she can choose to feel better, that she can choose to live normally, and it should be really straightforward.
Why don't I simply do the things that I know will make me feel better?
It isn't rocket science. It isn't that difficult. Get out of bed. Eat. See people. Talk to people. Exercise. Write. Read.
- L.L., source
But later she conflicted herself by claiming that trying to do things was too mentally taxing. She had no idea how and where to start, and she had no ability to do anything, and that anything she did would be judged and they will never work. She also felt that the only purpose of doing things was to bring attention to herself and get praise, and she does not see any meaning from that.
"Good job, You've stopped yourself from even starting," she scolded herself.
She started to dislike herself for being lazy and not even trying to accomplish a simple task. She scolded herself for her lack of commitment and determination to get herself out of her depression, and into her work.
Despite her being disappointed to herself, she was glad that she managed not to abuse drugs and she also did not have the habit to drink alcohol to numb the pain, as her impression of a young adult in their 20s wasting away drinking and experiencing hangover after was not appealing.
I don’t abuse any drugs. I don’t drink alcohol. A lot of 20-somethings talk a lot about drinking their sorrows and waking up hungover and regretful but that has never been something that’s appealed to me. This is how I’ve come to associate being happy, being alone in my room, avoiding reality and not having real responsibilities.
[Note: The following content could be a misinterpretation of her posts, with possible confusion with quote from Virginia Woolf's writing on the disparity between thought and action. The writing's source cannot be verified.]
However, she was disappointed that she did not live up to her expectations and her ideals. She felt that her university was cheated into thinking that she was intelligent and capable, and that she did not deserve to be in her university. She felt that her own hard work in high school and her excellent grades was not genuine. She felt guilty for lying to herself, her high school grades and university.
"Why are you such a snob and so picky about everything?" she thought.
She went on to lament on herself that she's arrogant, and that she was being entitled for the best things. The best clothes, the best outfits, the best shoes... She scolded herself that she was being spoiled and always expecting others to take care of her. She then told herself that she cannot be the best, she is just an ordinary person, part of the average people in the society. She tried to wake herself up to reality that she was not more intelligent than anyone else in the society, that she did not contribute anything to the society, but just laying in her home and observe.
You like to think you're better than everyone else, that you're not oh ONE OF THEM, the common folk, the philistines but in reality you are not that special. The only thing that does make you different is that you're a complete utter failure and have depression so la dee da that makes you special. Why aren't so proud of that?
Oh it's special because people can pity you and you can manipulate them with their pity and use them to just wheedle out more time. But you don't do anything.
- L.L. [possibly by Virginia Woolf, cannot be verified], modified, source
"God I hate you so much," she gave a disappointed whisper in her head to herself.
3.8 - "I really need help"
Elisa told her sister that she herself needed to get checked into a treatment place. She was not suicidal at the time, but she was rational enough to realise that if she did not get checked into a place she would end up like hikikomori [引きこもり – acute and total social withdrawal], which was basically like giving up on life but instead of just signing a donor organ card and swallowing cyanide, her family would get to see her everyday locked up in her room wasting her life.
She felt that she really need help.
No she did not like the idea of being sent to a place where she would have to “connect with her spiritual or inner self” and listen to self-help clichés like “holistic”, “self-healing”, “inner strength” and “connect to your soul”
She was cynical enough to know that – yes what they’re saying was reasonable and very true but it makes her vomit since she developed an adolescent angsty “allergic reaction” to this type of talk. “Girly sissy feely talk” those quotes re-blogged all over tumblr about happiness and why every Pinterest had a board called quotes or inspiration or words of wisdom.
The description in the previous paragraph was her own head talking, trying to stop herself from putting any faith in getting better under the guise of “Seriously? You’re going to trust what these people who believe in The Secret? You’re a bigger loser than I thought.” so yeah, her mind really hates herself.
She had read about how other people dealt with their minds attacking themselves. Took her long enough to read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath and she finally did. She was not a woman living in 1950s America. The world was still going to hell but progress had been made and it was no longer known as female hysteria so why was she not getting help?
If it meant having to pay $10,000K a month for some person to sit and listen to her wail while she subsist on a vegan diet of lentils and berries and chant Buddhist sutras for six hours a day, it had to get done. She felt that most likely she would end up getting blasted with ECT [Electroconvulsive Therapy] and maybe some memory loss or IQ points and that seemed like a fair trade off. Her brain power and memory had already been compromised by herself but she was not functional and not living.
She started to argue with herself… again.
I don’t want to live like this. Wait yes I do. No one wants to suffer. I get to stay inside all day and go on the computer and laze about! Yes you fool and you will remain a fool, a forever alone troll if you think this is a life.
I need to be a part of the physical world.
- L.L., source
(Partially featured on Netflix's "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel")
3.9 - Suicidal Thoughts
Elisa had cycles of rather normal days, a few hypomanic episodes, and days of numb, apathy and severe low mood from 2011 to 2012. Sometimes her depression can get really bad that she would want to hurt herself.
Halloween 2011, she was feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. She only managed to sleep for two hours, and spent the night crying. At that moment, she was close to suicide.
Not quite.
But… close
Not to scare anyone, or to give details why, but yesterday I came close to suicide…
Very close
- L.L., modified, source
But she was thankful for the presence of Tumblr.
Dear tumblr:
You are the solace to my woes. You make me remember that there is a wider world out there and that I have only seen a fraction of it. Please, send some love this way.
On September 2012, she experienced one of the worst episodes of her depression. She started to have some thoughts of killing herself, or the attempt to do so.
It is a bad day
So bad
I want to kill myself
it scares me so much that I am thinking about it
The fact that she started to have ideas of attempting suicide scared herself. She had never tried to attempt suicide, and she felt that people who does that were cowards, and she was a coward. She found no purpose in living anymore. She felt that in order for people to care and to take her depression seriously, she had to attempt suicide to scare people to realisation that her depression is serious. She felt that her psychiatrist got tired of her constant sadness and thoughts about herself, and that she is bothering and making her psychiatrist's work difficult. She was tired of having to struggle with her own mind, her own "brain" and her depression in general. She lost her faith in people and herself.
"Everything is pointless. Nothing matters. I’m all emo and hate everyone yet at the same time." she sighed.
She did not attempt to hurt herself. She just hoped that the emotional distress would pass, and that she would get better. She cried. She cried all of her thoughts out. All of her negative thoughts and arguments had flowed out from her eyes and cleared her mind. She felt better.
Someone on the internet had sent her a message, said
Hey! Don't worry I'm sure things will get better. I've also thought about killing myself and for a while it seems the easiest exit but there's actually people who care about you. I may be talking to you as anon but I do care about you even if I don't know you yet.
- Unknown, modified, source
She responded that it was just a thought and that it will come and leave after a while. She also added that she was tired of how her situation was, and that thoughts like that would keep resurfacing once in a while. There may be other messages sent to her to comfort her, and she expressed her thanks to all of them, and are grateful for the support she had when she felt awful.
3.10 - Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
Elisa had never went through ECT. She had an ECT appointment with a doctor but she just slept through the appointment and didn't show up. She considered going through it during the worst periods of her depression episodes. She saw it, metaphorically, as a punishment for herself and her brain for the trouble and the struggles that she went through. She thought it would shock her own brain into normal function, into something that will work in unison with her again.
I’m considering ECT now. I’m terrified. I don’t know what it will do but something tells me it will work. Shock the part of my brain that has taken over my life and let me function again.
- L.L., source
[In case anyone happens to come across this, have not heard of ECT and do not want to go through the hassle to look up on it, ECT is a medical treatment that treats severe major depression or bipolar disorder by passing small current through the patient's brain, while under general anesthesia, to trigger brief seizures in the brain to change the brain chemistry of the patient to (hopefully) fixes depression or bipolar symptoms. It is not as jarring as the previous sentence or Elisa's statements may suggest. The longest side effect is temporary memory loss that lasts for a couple of months.]
3.11 - An anxious dinner with boyfriend's father
27th of September 2012, Elisa met her boyfriend's father for the first time. She had agreed with her boyfriend to have a dinner in a restaurant with his father. She was very nervous about the dinner. She found it uncomfortable to make eye contact with them and to converse with them about actual topics. She put in a lot of effort in trying to act natural and not to show her nervousness. She had some conversations with boyfriend's father and his … girlfriend (????). She described her impression on them as follows
The dad is one of those 'hip’ older guys, maintaining relevance to the technological innovation creativity things. His girlfriend is an interior decorator and the firm she works at does those rich people’s houses where it’s completely open concept minimalist with $8000 couches. They were nice, funny in the sarcastic manner.
- L.L., source
10 seconds into meeting her boyfriend's father, Elisa was terrified.
The father asked, "What you have been doing?".
She got scared. She was ashamed that she spent most of her time in bed with depressions and don't know how to answer.
"So you’re just lying around at home, trying to find yourself?" he continued.
Ah! Right in the heart! She sighed after hearing her father finding out her ridiculous life which is being on an existential crisis and spent all her time struggling with herself rather than doing things that are purposeful and meaningful.
It’s the whole self-loathing-defeatist-self-deprecating-we-know-stuff attitude we, the twentysomethings, all share.
- L.L., source
She went home tired.
3.12 - Self reflection
The following day, Elisa documented her experience and started contemplating on her life again.
"What sort of life do I want to have?" she asked herself.
She felt that she will end up in a job that she don't enjoy. She always wondered what she was doing with her life. She thought maybe she would find a purpose if she had joined some religious or philosophical communities.
I will have to pander and listen to assholes and watch them be praised. I will have to deal with stupid people everyday. Unless I become Amish or join a commune. Or join a convent or monastery.
- L.L., source
She thought that perhaps the city she lived in was the cause of her misery. She believed that in her city, in her society, with the technology in her society, the idea that everyone getting the opportunity to do what they aspires, getting what they want, is a lie. A deception. A myth. In reality, she believed, one could not get what they desire, do what they aspire to do in their life. She believed that one can try to go to achieve their aspires and satisfy their desires, but nothing is guaranteed.
"You settle. You lose motivation and energy. And that’s that." she thought.
She then thought of "looking" outside of her city. Maybe she might settle better in another place. She felt that she need to get out of her city, but then she thought that even if she started out in another city, things will be the same. She felt that there is nothing to like in any other places in the world anyways. She then return to her belief that she herself is the cause of her own misery.
Sometimes you look out at the world and you see nothing worth liking. Sometimes I look at myself and see nothing worth liking.
She remembered her psychiatrist telling her that she need to be her own best friend, she need to be comfortable alone. Only after that she would be less dependent on others, emotionally.
What a clever and insightful judgement.
She was comfortable with herself. She was just not comfortable with other people. She was comfortable with her friends, but they have their own lives.
She later on thought "But you can’t just be alone for months and years. You end up going nuts unless you’re creating something (writing a book, painting, art, you know?)."
So it might just be that I settle for myself. I might end up alone in my room for years and regret it deeply later on.
- L.L., source
4 - Bipolar
4.1 - Insomnia
For a period of time, she was randomly experiencing times of sleepless nights, confidence and uncontrollable excitement.
Right now
I am deliriously happy.
My emotions, you are uncontrollable
- L.L., source
She would once in a while experience sleepless nights, when she would end up sleeping really late or watching the sun rise. These episodes of insomnia would sometimes last for a week. These episodes started to become regular enough that she made herself open to people asking her (very personal) questions on her formspring account. Her excitement during this period had also drove her to be more open than she would be usually, encouraging strangers on the internet to ask her about some "embarrassing questions".
Bonjour insomnia. You and I are becoming fast friends.
Once again, you are open to asking embarrassing personal questions since I can’t sleep.
- L.L., source
While she was more open than usual, she was still very careful in not revealing too much personal information online.
4.2 - "Apparently I'm Bipolar?"
Elisa initially refused to believe that she was in fact having mental issues and believed that things will get better after a good while. She had consulted a psychiatrist and was prescribed four types of medicine. She took a picture of her prescriptions on her bed and posted it on Tumblr. The medicines are:
- Effexor (venlafaxine) - a Selective Serotonin and Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SSNRI) to treat her depression.
- Wellbutrin (bupropion) - to treat her depression
- Dexedrine (Adderall) - to treat her hyperactivity. This is to help her concentration.
- Lamotrigine - an anti-epileptic medication to reduce and delay her mood episode for her bipolar disorder.
She was doubtful about her prescription of lamotrigine as she didn't believe that she has bipolar disorder at first, and was doubtful that she would go into psychosis and end up ending her own life. She believed that she would more likely to stay in bed most of the time and be unproductive rather than to go out and face the world, much less for being psychotic and doing rash actions that could be a danger to herself or others.
4.3 - "Taking the pills is weakness"
In the same post on Tumblr, she was also concerned about the long term effect of taking the pills prescribed to her. and wonder if she will depend on them for the rest of her life.
I call it the breakfast of champions and I hate that I have to take it everyday. I’m basically taking these pills because I can’t handle life. Life is hard and since I can’t handle hard things, I need pharmaceuticals.
She disliked the idea that she have to take pills to be "normal", to be like her peers. She still believed that she is not (mentally) ill and that she can handle her emotions herself and that she do not need those pills to help her. She held on to this belief that having to take pills is a form of weakness, a form of flaw in herself, that she is not strong enough and have the ability to handle her own life and control herself.
Part of me is still in denial that I’m not sick and this can be solved without pills. No matter the argument against, I think taking the pills is weakness. I am not strong enough, I do not have the courage or conviction to do the right thing.
- L.L., source
She also tried to argue against the psychiatrist that she does not need to depend on medications, and was tired of them using the analogy of diabetics needing regular doses of insulin to stay healthy. Furthermore, the medications given to her had an inconsistent effect on her mood.
In the end, she questioned about her own ability to handle the ups and downs of her life, and why everyone is not given anti-depressants if they makes life easier.
4.4 - Hypomania
In slightly over a week after she posted about her medications, she experienced another sleepless night. This time, after knowing about her bipolar diagnosis, she realised that her insomnia could be a result of her entering hypomanic episodes. She realised that she now cycles through two mood extremes, being deliriously excited and being moody. While she could not sleep, she contemplated on how she wished she could have the ability to make her body fall asleep on command.
It would be nice if I was a computer and could just click sleep.
- L.L., source
Approaching Jun 2012, she started to feel terrified, her heart started to race really fast and she became perspired easily with very moderate physically demanding tasks like climbing stairs or catching a bus. She felt that this could be a side effect of one of her medications (Dexedrine) causing her to get very agitated. She also found that her hands were shaking and she cannot control the shaking.
I sincerely hope it’s not the Adderall but it most likely it is. However, I took that 6 hours ago and only now is my heart skyrocketing? Is it because I had some green tea and now the caffeine is mixing with the Adderall causing my heart to want to leap out of my chest?
Not to mention my hands tremor and I have absolutely not appetite (I don’t think I’ve had 3 meals a day for months) due to the anti-depressants.
Or is this because I’m not eating enough?
Yay side-effects.
- L.L., modified, source
She felt that she needed to calm herself down.
In June 2012, she documented her first experience with hypomania. In a sharp contrast to how she was when facing depression, she was incredibly excited and energetic, despite her not sleeping for more than a full day (more than 24 hours had passed since she last slept). She regretted that she had coffee earlier that day, which added to her exhilaration and energy level for this hypomanic episode. Her hands were uncontrollably shaking. Thoughts were racing though her head at a incredible rate which is faster than she was able to express if she tried. She then did a small research on hypomania and compared her current state of mind to the symptoms she found.
Ok google let’s see what you define hypomania
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity (MY SELF-ESTEEM CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!!!)
- Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)NO SLEEP FOR 24+ HOURS AND I FEEL FINE I AM SO FUNCTIONABLE
- More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking I AM SENDING INTENSIVE MULTITEXTS ABOUT RANDOM THINGS TO FRIENDS!!! ALSO I AM WRITING A LOT ABOUT MYSELF AND PUTTING IT ON THE INTERNET
- Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing Not really…
- Distractibility (e.g., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)Ok this is actually weird because in math class I wasn’t paying attention because I was working on my BRILLIANT EXTRAORDINARY IDEA and sketching madly and when I actually started paying attention I understood the concepts about 80% even though I haven’t been to class in two weeks.
- Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation I AM A BAMF I AM MAKING THIS LIST OF SHIT I WILL DO AND I WILL DO ALL THE THINGS I HAVE PUT OFF BECAUSE I CAN DO THIS I AM BATMAN
- Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments) This has yet to happen to me but OH BOY I LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN I DO!!!!
I’m not psychotic enough that I will jump off a bridge to test this brilliant, spectacular theory I have in head. I’m aware of what state I am in but there is an endless deluge of words and ideas spewing faster in my head and I simply can’t get it out fast enough. I was in math class instead of taking notes I was scribbling madly and the person behind me was thinking wtf? So yeah bugged eye and heart beating madly and going QUICK I MUST GET THIS ON PAPER is my only physical manifestation of this. Also this happens not regularly, mostly when I can’t fall asleep and then end up being awake for 24+ hours
- L.L., source
[Note that the information above is just for your general information and is not for self diagnosis for hypomania / bipolar disorder. If you suspect yourself or someone you know are experiencing symptoms of hypomania, it is best to seek treatment from a psychiatrist.]
She also documented about how she had a idea of and some excitement towards performing risky actions to test her ideas, but believed that she was not psychotic enough to actually try out those things.
Her mind was spawning ideas and thoughts so fast that she could not express them out fast enough, either through speaking or writing or both. When she was in mathematics class that day she was furiously scribbling things on her notes, not with things related to mathematics but random thoughts that she was trying to get out. She felt her eyes was open wider than she could, and her heart is racing furiously, as she thought to note down all of her spontaneous amazing ideas that were quickly spewing out from her head, and she felt that she had to write them down quickly.
She was feeling really awesome, in contrast to how she felt just three days earlier, when she had a bad day after oversleeping and missing her test. She then compared and contrasted her state of mind at the time compared to three days earlier.
Depressed me: I have a lot of responsibilities I need to take care of but they are so emotionally draining and horrible that I will avoid it as much as possible by sleeping. Why make yourself miserable when you are so comfy here in bed with the internet? Oh god getting up to change clothes is freakin exhausting and pointless I have no place to go.
**SUPERMEGAAWESOMEFOXYHOT ME**: OMG I HAVEN’T DONE THAT IN AGES AND LOOK AT ME NOW I AM CAPABLE OF BEING A FUNCTIONABLE HUMAN. LIKE A BOSS OH YEAH LIKE A BOSS I HAVE ENDLESS SUPPLY OF ENERGY TO DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU COULDN"T DO BUT I DID IT SO THEREFORE YOU DID IT SO THEREFORE YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!
So we have the person who says you can’t do anything and then now I’m in a state of HOLY SHIT YOU SHOULD REACH FOR THE STARS AND GO ALL THE WAY I AM 1000% BEHIND YOU. OK WHAT NEEDS OT BE DONE? LET’S GO DO IT. OK CHALLENGE HAS ARISEN WE ARE ANALYSING THE PROBLEM AND PROPOSED A SOLUTION
OK NEXT NEXT NEXT WHAT NEXT!!!!???? OH YOU WERE PUTTING OFF WRITING A PAPER BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS TOO HARD AND YOU SUCK AT WRITING? WELL LOOK AT THIS I AM DOING IT AND THIS IS MASTERPIECE YOU HAVE WRITTEN IT IS SIMPLY PERFECTION!
- L.L., modified, source
She had started to do her work for her studies that she had procrastinated while she was in a state of bad mood. Wow! It was pleasing that she is finally having the burst of energy to do her work, and she's satisfied that she had completed them.
"I AM NYANCAT THIS STATE OF RAINBOWS AND HAPPINESS WILL CONTINUE FOREVER."
Her super enthusiasm had let her felt that she had overcame her own inner critic which called herself useless and worthless. "It can't touch me!" she exclaimed. "YOU OVERCAME YOUR INNER CRITIC!!"
She later started to reason with herself. She thought to herself that she need to calm down.
But her own inner self countered "WHY ARE YOU DENYING YOURSELF THIS JOY???? THIS IS GLORIOUS!".
"This is when you not inhibited and just bursting with all these ideas and they all sound great and best of all YOU thought of them so you’re a freakin genius like NOBEL PEACE PRIZE PLEASE", she said to herself enthusiastically.
It’s just….I understand everything completely. Fellow bipolars, you may be the only ones who will understand what this is like.
Even though she can feel her head and body getting exhausted due to her lack of rest from the hypomania, her mind is still going on racing thoughts and wants her to keep on doing things, and insisted herself that she cannot go to sleep. She was really concerned that when her hypomania ended she would be really exhausted that she had to spend a lot of time sleeping to make up her extreme lack of rest.
She found her experience of hypomania to be extremely pleasant, even addicting. It felt like she was getting satisfactorily high without having to ingest any enhancing substances. She referenced to a documentary, Secret Life of the Manic Depressive by Stephen Fry, when at the end of the interview with people having bipolar symptoms, he asked, "If you had a red button that could make you not manic depressive, would you push it?"
Pretty much everyone said no.
Once you’ve floated with the angels, there is no feeling like it in the world (or something like that)
- Unknown, source
She felt that her hypomania gave her a sense of self and purpose. She felt that she would not know who she was if it was not for her hypomania.
She then questioned herself why she would choose not to get rid of a illness that causes her to hate herself and to feel worthless and hopeless, simply because of the brief periods when she felt like flying.
You have weighed the pros and cons and said yes I would choose the path in which I will be unable to eat and want to kill myself because of the other things.
- L.L., source
Her initial reaction to the question asked by Stephen was to immediately push the button, but after some contemplating, she preferred to keep her mental illness.
4.5 - Crash
After a party with her mind going hypomanic, she finally ran out of energy and slept for the first time in a while. She had a decent sleep and woke up in the morning and went to coffee shop to do her homework. Her appetite had improved since she felt her heart racing and she ate quite a lot more. (She had not ate much but burned a lot of energy during hypomania.)
She was hoping that her hyperactivity from hypomania would last, but if it did her body would give up at some point due to exhaustion.
Even though she crashed, her mood was not as bad as she expected. She thought that it could be the fact that she had read two chapters of a self-help book.
WHAT?!?!?!?!??!?!
COULD IT BE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
OH GOD A SELF-HELP BOOK IS HELPING ME WITH SOME OF MY ISSUES
HOW DID I GET TO THIS POINT
- L.L., source
She thought that she might still have some hypomania, as she had been taking care of her own business for a good part of the day. She found herself still being very productive, doing and finishing her tasks one after another.
4.6 - Energetic but tired
It was nice of you insomnia to drop by for some tea. Now gtfo! I am so tired. I just want to sleep. 🥱
- L.L., modified, source
On night, at 1am, she was having trouble sleeping. She had trouble falling asleep those past few days and had not rest well. She felt that her getting little sleep is actually better than her getting too much sleep.
But her body is getting tired out. Her eyes wanted her to close them so bad.
"Stupid automatic body responding to stimuli firing neuron to brain signaling chemical hormone transmitting error system needs to restart for survival", she cursed to herself.
Her being sleep deprived makes her unable to tolerate people saying "ughhhhh things". She felt that she might end up entering the next day without getting any sleep.
She felt that she might be starting to go on a (hypo)manic episode.
My brain is firing on all pistons and I’m coming up with 600 ideas and thoughts and observations and trying to solve world issues and acquire COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE
- L.L., modified, source
She was having racing thoughts again and have a strong urge to tackle "world issues" and get as much knowledge as she possible can. Her mind is not letting up.
She tried to read to get herself to fall asleep. It did not work. She heard about the fact that doing yoga could help someone to calm down and fall asleep. However. when she tried to do yoga, she felt extremely tired and sleepy, and could not get her eyes to open.
"I REALLY NEED TO SLEEP", she thought.
However, the irony is that despite feeling exhausted earlier trying to do yoga, when she lay back down on her bed to sleep, she found it difficult to fall asleep again. Her brain seemed to somehow forget that she was really exhausted earlier.
She was afraid that she would crash hard as she felt the exhaustion in her head.
"I just don’t want to crash and end up sleeping for 40 hours to make up for being more productive than usual by sacrificing sleep."
She shared what was going on in her mind.
OK what is on my mind?
I made some ‘epiphanies’ (or it’s because I’m hypomanic and coming up with GRANDOISE IDEAS thinking I’ve figured out how the universe operates OR is it because I’m ADD/ADHD so I’m restless and need what’s NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT. Oh this is an endless debate)
and argued and mulled over things as usual
but instead of hiding and deflecting I charged forward on a wave where my brain is charging so fast it doesn’t have time to deal with your petty issues gosh I’m right now trying to possible-ize everything I can’t be distracted right now.
So you might say I got some actual 'work’ done.
I’m going to try to sleep again.
- L.L., source
Eventually in a month or two, she had some sleeping pills to aid herself to sleep when she went into hypomanic modes.
4.7 - Mania (Psychosis)
[Note that not all people experiencing mania will enter into psychosis. Typically people with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 (and note that type 2 is also not fully excluded, but happens much rarer) will enter a state of mania when they will usually have auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations or both. They will not be able to determine what is real and what are hallucinations. Some people who experience psychotic mania also tend to not remember their manic episodes or what they did, as their brain function, eg the hippocampus, is not functioning normally.]
In Netflix's document series "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel", Elisa's sister had spoke to the detectives about her history with psychosis. Elisa had, at several times, had a mental breakdown and became delusional. During this stage, Elisa would usually feel really scared and frightened, "see/hear" something threatening her (usually someone is after her), and she would usually try to hide in places where she would deem "safe", like under her bed. In at least one occasion, she had to be hospitalised because of her psychosis. She also went missing at one point during her psychosis.
Elisa also sometimes tend to not take her anti-psychotic medications. This is usually because of the satisfaction that one with bipolar gains from hypomania or mania (chapter 4.4). People who got addicted to these episodes would, on occasion, want to skip meds so that they could get to experience that level of high. It is very tempting to do so at times.
[If you have bipolar disorder and are prescribed anti-psychotic medications, it is important to stay on your medications, even if you feel like you don't need them, or tempted to get off them. While manic episodes may be satisfying, it can be and often is harmful to yourself and those around you, without you realising it until the episodes are over. If you realised that you have skipped a dose, try to take anti-psychotics as soon as you are able to do so, rather than waiting for your next scheduled time to take your medications. Also, do note of the ingesting limit of your medications within the period of time to avoid overdosing.]
[If you know someone who has bipolar disorder and they had skipped their anti-psychotic medications, remind them to take those medications as soon as possible.]
5 - Contemplations and Rants I
This chapter will feature some of her thoughts and rants that would shape her personality and thinking in the later part of her life.
On 30th of April 2012, she celebrated (or at least went through) her 21st birthday. She felt that she was getting old, and had to act less like a child.
C'est my birthday. I’m getting too old to be acting like a kid.
- L.L., source
5.1 - The silver lining of her depression
[This section is an adaptation of her Tumblr post.]
Sometimes, when she reflects on herself, she had a positive look on her mental illness. She was semi-grateful that she was hit with depression at the time between being a teenager and an adult.
"Mind you, I don’t want anyone to get depression", she added.
"Sadness is part of the human condition and this was probably the first time I saw the bigger picture. A reality check if you will."
She believed that people don't have a innate coping mechanism when tragedy hits. They will naturally go into self-destruction mode and do whatever it takes to purge themselves of emotions.
Hopefully you still have enough hope that staying alive is worth it and things can change and you enter a crash course into the shithole that is figuring out what the hell you want out of life. I need to get out of this ditch. What do you want to do? What is important to you? Who are you? How do I get there? Is it possible? All the uncertainties you fear, you can’t avoid them anymore.
She used to have the mentality that that she's old and behind compared to the people she's graduated with. She now realised that she was young and still have time.
"My brain is still developing, my neurons are working at top condition. I will recover and I can adapt." she asserts.
She thought that if she have had hit with depression later on in life, she would suffer a lot more and would have even harder time recovering. She felt that at some point these thought is bound to happen and she thought that it would be better if it happened early in her life rather than later, so that she began to learn how to deal with her emotions and mental struggles early on in life when her brain is still developing, so that she'll be prepared to deal with disappointment and despair later in her life. She used an analogy regarding going through fire drills to be prepared when one got trapped in a burning building.
She was grateful that she had a student health plan that covers some costs for her psychiatrist consultations and her medicines as they were very expensive.
As a plus for having this condition early on in her life (compared to how long she expected to live), she still have people who took care of her before she would become an independent adult.
I’m lucky there’s a support system in this phase. Being still in the gray area that is teenager but not quite an independent adult, there are people who will take care of me: academic advisors who are patient, a family doctor who was determined in helping me and parents who will make you eat even if you don’t feel like it.
- L.L., source
"Oh and most importantly, " she believed, "in this time I separated the 'friends' from the friends".
She then went on to thank the internet and also expressed her "worship" its existence.
Depending on how you use the internet, it can either make you feel worst (I’m looking at you Facebook) or help you. Tumblr, I am so grateful I found you. You remind me the world is big and I have a place in it somewhere. Also, not all people are idiots.
She found the process of her being fine for a period of time, then plummeting to an absolute zero mood, rising a bit, back to zero and finally rising upwards back to stable mood to be a humbling experience. It felt like she just gained some skill and understanding on how to deal with life, and she pat herself on her back for that.
Life is long and there will be ups and downs. Maybe that is why I love the sine function so much.
- L.L., source
5.2 - Positive things since Grade 12
[This section is directly quoted from her Tumblr Post.]
Things that have been positive in the last 4 years (because it’s necessary to have PERSPECTIVE) Not all of it was shit but I like prefer to think that way
- I visited another part of Canada. I saw Montreal and Quebec city. I got to eat real poutine (with proper cheese) and explore a city on my own.
- The dinners at my host family. I had hollandaise sauce for the first time
- They introduced me to Halo and many fun games of Smash bros. God of War.
- Biking along the St Lawrence river
- Shane Koyczan live
- I got a dog
- Saying farewell to my friend going off mandatory military service
- I did have at least ONE late night fun studying session
- tumblr introduced me to people and art and turns out not everyone is a dick. There’s hope for humanity after all!
- The annual April/May birthday extravaganza
- New York. 5 hour skype with best best best friend. The Met.
- Meeting a friendly wonderful cousin
- Canaad Day
- It was nice talking to Jack
- eating a lot of clams with my sister and her friend
- I saw Stars four times, at an intimate bar in front of everyone else too. I was front row at a Regina Spektor concert and got her autograph
- I heard Romeo Dallaire speak
- graduating. My grandpa seeing me.
- I was with him when he passed. I met my whole family.
- Harry Potter Deathly Hallows midnight screening
- my boyfriend. Bed intrustions. I haven’t had to deal with heartache and the painful painful woes. Didn’t worry about romantic relationships or boy troubles
- new years eve with friends celebrated ‘properly’
- snooty snooty shopping
- NOT LIVING WITH PARENTS. Dorm was good for about a nanosecond but NO PARENTAL SUPERVISION. I COULD STAY OUT LATE.
- Halloween and not sleeping and sitting up with people chatting until 4am
- I did have fun with them. My 17th birthday. Snowboarding. There were a lot of silly laughs. Either way I needed a clique in high school and they were amusing. He was disappointing but he cares and understands sadness.
- too much omgpop
- Ok I need to list things about the bitch of a friend. Track things. Explaining things like tampons. Eating food a lot. Foods class. Job. We had good close talks. Personalised gifts. Decorating lockers. Summer school suffering. Manly fights, jumping high fives.
- tumblr tumblr tumblr you have ruined my life but I have doctor who now and found out YES there are nut diehard Harry Potter fans and they obsess as much as I do
- tumblr those 10K notes that highlight how stupid we are as humans and EVERYONE DOES IT TOO.
- The internet is wonderful place
- not drinking. I am not sure whether this is a positive thing. I do feel proud that I withheld from doing senseless partying but at the same time if I wasn’t so uptight I would have had an easier time dealing with stupid people.
- my roommate and I had good talks and laughed at the crazy roommate
Keep thinking keep thinking keep adding
OK THERE ARE A LOT OF ….BBBBUTTTTTTT (insert downside)
It happened. You were enjoying yourself at the same time you felt like shit. You did things
5.3 - Reading
[This section is a partial adaptation from her Tumblr Post. There are more of her thoughts in the same post that are not in this passage.]
Reading was one of her favourite hobbies when she was young. Even now, she would sometimes read to pass the time.
She mainly read Harry Potter and Twilight. She also bought a French version of Twilight in order to practice her French.
She also read some "chick lit" books like "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" and "Gossip Girl".
In her elementary school, she read Kit Pearson's (exampli gratia [eg] "Awake and Dreaming") and Lois Lowry's books, which she claimed made the biggest impact on her elementary school life. Her grade 7 teacher introduced and taught her "The Outsiders". The book was high school standard but in order to have his class to be ahead in literature class the teacher went through it. However, the teacher realised that most other literature classes had also went through "The Outsiders", so he decided to teach another book "The War Between the Classes". [Interesting name; not in same context but still]
For her high school, she mostly read short stories. In grade 12, a teacher (she considered to be really good) taught her classics like "Dead White Guys", "Hamlet", "The Tempest", "Catcher in the Rye", "The Great Gatsby", "For Whom the Bell Tolls", "The Importance of Being Earnest". She also read poetries of John Donne, William Wordswoth, Thomas Stearn Eliot (T.S. Eliot), Dylan Thomas, Emily Dickinson, William Yeats and John Keats.
One thing she loved about her high school literature class was that the class mates will usually discuss about life, death, love, society and humanity issues openly. The teacher did not need to encourage students to do so; they did so naturally. She felt that this kind of openness is rather rare and that her literature class is nice to be in. She found her teacher to be good as she believed that this could not have happened without a good teacher.
5.4 - Job
It is unknows when did she get a (retail) job, but since she was missing quite a number of classes, she had to drop courses and had a lot of free time. She felt that she needed a job and most likely got one somewhere in 2010 - 2011, after the start of her university.
She also looked at some of the stores and also considered working in them. Some of them were Walgreens, London Drugs and Whole Foods and Chapters.
In October 2011, she "nailed" a job interview at a high end store and was 98% sure that she would get the job.
Elisa also wanted to have a job in the World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF). WWOOF have opportunities to travel for farming cultural exchanges, which she had great desires for in a job. She had contacted several farms to ask if she could get a job there. She had went through a vigorous process of writing a resume, getting three references from teachers / trainers and writing about why she want to join the WWOOF. She also had to go for an interview. It took quite a long period of waiting.
She also asked on the internet about anyone who had experience working at WWOOF. She was concerned about whether the farm has internet access, and was really nervous about not being able to access Tumblr when she was on the job.
Some of the farms replied to her. One told her bluntly about her poor manners, one does not have a job for her, one said they are starting from scratch and one asked her to send a photograph of herself. She didn't send her full name (Lam Ho Yi, Elisa) and her photograph as she thought that she would be racially discriminated against by the employers.
Whether she got a job at WWOOF is unknown. She mentioned about a WWOOF trip to Santa Cruz later that year.
5.5 - Travel (and Life Ambitions)
In April 2012, Elisa had written about her life ambitions.
In a way I know exactly what I want.
I know if I were to purchase a house the only room I care about is the kitchen. Frankly the rest of the place could be crappy (ok maybe not the bathroom) but the kitchen better be the most pimped out badass kitchen.
I know I want to travel endlessly
I know my future job must not be behind a desk in an office
I know I want to have kids
Alas most of the time is spent worrying, over-thinking, self-doubting and saying that’s simply not feasible. And then there are the dark moments when I can’t even bring myself to leave bed.
She wanted to have a house where the kitchen is well made, as she loves cooking (specifically baking). She also wanted to have children in the future. Most importantly, she expresses her desire to travel endlessly. She was hoping that she would get a job that has opportunities to travel and she does not want an office job.
She had set herself to travel by herself that summer. She was hoping to get a job so that she can have her own money to travel.
Because she has serious mental health conditions, her parents were extremely worried to let her travel alone. She had to find ways to convince her parents to allow her to travel by herself, so that she could have some peace of mind. Also, she found that still having to be accompanied by her parents when she was a young adult was shameful and too restrictive. She never liked family vacations. She was hoping for the freedom to experience the world by herself.
travel
Must travel this summer for sanity
Must find job to get moneyz for travelling
MUST CONVINCE PARENTS TO ALLOW ME TO TRAVEL ON MY OWN I’M FREAKIN 21 NOW
#travelling with parents is hell
5.6 - A horrible daughter
[This section is an adaptation of her Tumblr post]
One afternoon, her mother asked her if she really hate her family. She thought that answering this question is a psychological nightmare. She felt that it would not be helpful in answering the question completely.
She didn't hate her parents. She was resentful, reluctant to speak and rude simply because she didn't feel like talking to them. She felt like she didn't need help from them. She need to figure her life out on her own, as she was already an (young) adult and she felt that she need to act like one. She felt that she need to learn how to take care of herself and didn't need her parents to be constantly worried about her and being near her all the time.
It’s a stupid cycle because they [mom and dad] will worry until the day they die and they will constantly try to help, even if it makes it worse. And I’m the ungrateful one because I don’t appreciate their efforts and turn down all their suggestions.
What part of "I want to figure this out ON MY OWN" do you not understand?
- L.L., modified, source
She always find herself feeling guilty and shameful for having her parents worry about her everyday when she was at home. Her mother thought that a family vacation would be helpful for her, but she insisted that she did not enjoy family vacations. Not. One. Bit. She never had fun with family vacations. She felt that this made her a horrible daughter for refusing to spend time with her family.
It is a fact that family comes first and family is important. Blood is thicker than water.
But.
She didn't care. If it meant that she's a horrible daughter for never wanting to spend some family time and never wanting to talk to them, so be it. She felt the worst when she sat next to her parents and having them suggesting plans for her. She wanted to get away from her family.
"Living at home is destroying me", she said.
But she felt bad because her parents had worked tirelessly for her and her sister for them to have a better life.
Her final answer was "Obviously I hate them".
She remembered one of her friend saying that she's 21, an adult. She can legally leave and go anywhere. She felt that she need to find a place to go.
However.
When she went out of her house for the first time, she was unprepared and came back with a lot of emotional luggage. She always thought that she could take of herself but she found out that she was not capable of doing so. Even living by herself in her University Residence she did not handle her life well. (Chapter 2.2) She had to go out in the world alone.
She started to reflect on herself, her internal suffering and dread to be out in the world.
"I’m…….internally suffering" she said.
She didn't want to be in the world. She didn't want to participate. She didn't want the world to hurt herself. If she was to be alone she would rather stay in her room. She saw nothing in the world that convinced her to leave her room. She was sure that she might have overlooked the positive impacts that going out brings, but going out for two days was really exhausting.
She watched people on the streets and disdained living like them. She felt that the stupid thing about millennials (people of her generation, a.k.a. Gen Y) was that they categorize everyone into neat little compartments and label them "scientifically", as if they knew everything about the world and how it works. They thought they know perfect strangers. She desperately wished that the stupid thing was not part of her but it had been so since childhood. She felt that the world she's in, the society, high school, twenty-somethings, social media, career, marriage, relationships, all of it was simply just for show, and everyone were actors. She didn't want to be doing things for show, be like the actors. But she felt that she had no choice.
I hate being in this stage where all you are uncertain and have no security in anything. You’re supposed to put all your faith, be assured that it will work out, and throw yourself off a cliff. I did that and I came out of it depressed, resembling nothing like the person I was before I jumped. I may have been cynical and sarcastic but I was still optimistic (naive), believing great things are possible. No, now my generation and I are jaded, superficial and disdainful, trying desperately to be individual and unique. Even more so people are acting, and somehow that makes them important. The more people are obsessed with you, the more successful you are? Unless someone pays attention to what you do, it has no merit. We spend so much times looking at ourselves and stalking other people and I get wrapped up in all of that.
- L.L., modified, source
She complained a lot. She felt that she did nothing but obsess over the matter. The matter didn't ever get solved.
"Well done", she said to herself.
"Go look online at the life you’re not living because that’s possible now and that’s what we do"
She felt that she was looking at the wrong place for answers. The internet was mainly populated by younger generations, why would someone the same age as her knew better than herself? They are clueless anyways.
"I need to make a plan. I need a place to go and find my motivation to want to live."
5.7 - Münchausen
[Munchausen (also known as [a.k.a.] Munchausen syndrome or Factitious disorder imposed on self) is a factitious disorder that makes people fake a disease, (physical and mental) illness or psychological trauma to draw attention, sympathy or reassurance to themselves.]
[This section is an adaptation of her Tumblr post]
Elisa came across a term "Münchausen by Internet" and decided to check what it meant.
"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!" she exclaimed
"Right right..." she calmed herself down. She's dealing with humans. This kind of things shouldn't be surprising that it happens. Hoaxes and pornography are an integral part of the internet.
She had learnt a proper term for this hoax.
"Samsung and your nickels and Bill Nye, why did it have to be fake? =(" she pleaded to the intelligent people.
"Tumblr, don't break my heart", she pleaded, realising that the stories she found that resonated with her feelings and depression could be faked. Were the empathy that she felt from reading Tumblr posts something that blog creators made up just to get attention?
"I mean I know we want attention but faking cancer….."
"Oh, no wonder people roll their eyes at emotional kids who said they want to kill themselves", she thought.
She pleaded to the readers (which she referred to as lurkers - people she didn't have contact with) not to think that all her thoughts and struggles she posted on her Tumblr were made up. She emphasised that she was not a good actor and not imaginative enough to come up with those struggles. She didn't have the energy to make up a charade as real life for her is already exhausting enough.
"Or I’ve all lonelygirl15’d you and YOU’VE BEEN DUPED and I’m laughing maniacally. After all where do you think all novels, TV, movies (and fanfiction) comes from if not from our DERANGED IMAGINATIVE MINDS", she typed it out sarcastically.
Pretending to be sick to curry sympathy is incredibly messed up and baffles my naïve brain. It is cruel and disrespectful to everyone living with a disease.
- L.L., source
But people were (are) so gullible. Even though she felt that she's cynical and sarcastic, she felt that she was an optimist when it comes to people. She did accept that when it comes to books, TV and films the stories are not real. She had the instinct of second-guessing people's motives and didn't trust people in real life. Sadly, there’s been many published memoirs that later turn out to be fake. (She pulled a reference to the smile of Gilderoy Lockhart, a wizard from Harry Potter) But she didn't realise that this kind of behaviour would continue on the internet. They had photos, wrote stuff about their day and made a vlog so they must be real, isn't it?
She then went on on the fact that people might be creating some kind of image anyways with "all this Facebook, Twitter, Instagram stuff" to show others what they want others to see, so that others can think that they lived a certain way. A lie by omission? Everyone wanted some time in the spotlight and (bizarrely) like the feeling of strangers interested in us.
"Is it part of the same problem?" she thought.
She knew that many internet users went to the internet looking to be honest and in return they expect sincerity and honesty. It was a bit upsetting to her that these expectations and trust had be taken advantage of. She didn't think it might be possible on Tumblr, in which she had found comfort with people expressing their feelings and thoughts that resonated with hers.
She feared that she would be fooled by someone making up stories about their depression.
I’m fearful too that I will be fooled by someone spinning a long tale about their depression.
- L.L., source
What about herself? She admitted that she had lied in the past, and wondered if she would lie in the future. She wondered if she would end up so caught up in her own psychosis and so unable to connect with people that one day, she would go on a discussion forum and pretend that she had been sexually assaulted just to get attention.
5.7.1 - Pictures for Sad Children
Pictures for Sad Children is a 2007 web comic, created by someone using the name of "John Campbell". This comic featured a ghost named Paul. The comic had a spare and minimalist black and white style with depressive and nihilistic themes. In 2012, Campbell launched a Kickstarter campaign to raise money to create a print version of the comic. The initial goal was US$ 8000. The Kickstarter campaign got so successful that he raised US$ 51,615, probably by May 2012. However, in August that year, the artist who made the comic had admitted publicly that he/she (gender unknown) had been pretending to be depressed in order to make profit from his/her art. The author eventually expressed his/her apology and remorse.
When Elisa saw the confession a month later, from another Tumblr post by "STFU, Conservatives" telling people not to support "Pictures for Sad Children" with a link to the admission, she re-blogged the post and got angered by it. The post quoted another post (no longer available) that urged people not to support the campaign, accused the artist for "stealing from people who have depression by pretending to identify with them", and accused him for invalidating depressive disorder. The post that Elisa re-blogged expanded upon the point of invalidating depression by quoting a paragraph posted by the accused artist claiming depression to not be a "real" experience when the author's comics are read from a "non-depressive" perspective. The poster pointed a few things:
- People who have depression - a mental illness with a wide range of symptoms and effects - can still be healthy, self-aware and loving.
- The “notion” that “depression is not a ‘real’ experience” but instead a “non-real experience”? CITATION NEEDED.
Elisa said that she was not surprised to find people faking depression for personal gains, but she was sickened by it. She actually considered John Campbell's works to be of quality, and understood what he was doing and why he did it. But the method of faking depression to create the artworks got her to feel that it was like a social experiment that had went wrong. The (possibly misunderstood; refer to Annex B) fact that he was perpetuating everyone's belief that depression was a farce (highly exaggerated charade; possibly vulgar) raises question in her that would drive her insane.
She decided to look on Tumblr for notes (comments) and reactions regarding John Campbell’s artist faking depression and the apparent invalidation of the mental illness. She wanted to compile the reactions for her own analysis and interests. She also felt the need to do this for a couple/series of reasons.
- She had 'depression' and had spent four years trying to 'manage' it.
- She found out about Munchens and found it interesting.
- She discussed about it with her boyfriend at a dinner. She also mentioned that people felt betrayed by "A Million Little Pieces" when they found out that many events in the story did not actually happened.
- Her boyfriend started speaking against those people, saying that those people were stupid for complaining about the fact that most of the story of the novel was not real, and invalidating the fact that it helped people to cope with their withdrawal problems simply because it was fake; artists also put a lot of work into it as well.
- But why they sold it as a memoir?
- Well if not it would not sell or get featured on Oprah
- She tried to explain her point of view about why people are upset, but her boyfriend did not get it, and re-emphasised his point that those are not critical.
- Her sister thought he [boyfriend or James Frey?] was a robot.
- She had a lot of (undeserved) free time
From what she gathered, it seemed that John Campbell wanted people to have a conversation about the topic of depression validity, and he thought that the best way would be by controversy. However, Elisa felt that it was a really bad way of doing so because he would end up looking like Regina George when she was standing there looking pleased or amazed at all the girls ripping one another apart.
She felt that the angry mob mentality would be what people were best at. Some people just react in the heat of the moment without context. It was like reading the front page headline but not the fine print. [In today's context - reading the title of an article without reading the contents.]
Journalistic integrity? Honesty with oneself? Honesty with people. She decided to write her thoughts that was 'directed' to John.
Dear john, I found both of your updates funny. I also found them sad. I knew when I read the last one that some people would believe it, and I felt sad imagining these peoples’ feelings and facial expressions as they read it. I felt discomfort, knowing that you too knew some would believe it, and were doing it anyway, and that you probably felt the same discomfort, only much stronger, and were intentionally causing yourself and others to feel that way to be funny, and I found that funny. the kind of funny where i giggle absently and then grin a bit, but afterwards, instead of my facial expression returning to normal, it becomes a very sad one, which really is the funniest part. our sad facial expressions are the punchline
- L.L., modified, source
5.7.2 - Her thoughts on Satire of Depression
[This sub-section is still expanding]
Elisa believed that the true power of satire lies in the mocking of powerful individuals. Humour is the one thing that can tear down even the dictator, emotionally speaking. However, making fun of the disenfranchised was not funny; it was cruel.
People are scared that they would be exposed as the frauds they are. They all wanted to be 'in' on the joke and then laugh at the idiots. They understood that there was very little people can control but dignity, authenticy and all these other virtues.
She found that satire was hard to separate. If there was someone like Todd Akin believing people cannot get pregnant if they get raped. This view was unbelievable and one cannot tell if he was acting to believe in that, or he truly believed in that.
Sarcasm and subtle satire sometimes seemed to be all clinically depressed people had at their disposal. Also, calling Jeph Jacque some sort of enemy to mental health concerns was like calling the Pope an enemy to Catholics. She had always loved to read about him working through similar issues as she had and succeeding in life. It was nice for her to realise that she was not necessarily doomed.
People would fight for equality, justice and their passion about something they believe in, but others would not care and listen to them. They would not change their mind. People had a hard time swallowing self-righteousness.
However, she believed that one should not be stubborn and just shut those people who was upset with a controversy as being stupid. They were already "in arms", so why is someone laughing at them? One can just tell people in a civilised non-condescending way that they had missed the point and then walk them through your point so they could understand. They deserved to be treated like adults.
Some people wanted to make the world a better place. Their intentions were well-meaning but how they went about was just… inconsiderate.
She believed that people should be cruel to others who wanted to make things better.
Some people lie but she believed that it did not mean that they are not capable of saving a woman's life. Some people were just terrible. She was afraid that she eventually had to deal with every type of person, from the people she loved, admired or being or doing things she aspired. to the people she wished they never existed and were so washed up in ignorance that she just hoped that they would disappear.
People was obsessed with pointing things out and be the "whistleblower" and being the one who could say "Look at all there stupid people! I wasn’t duped!" [Scimandan - if you're reading this you know the kind of people this reminds you of.]
She then continued to share some more of her thoughts about John Campbells admission.
[To fully understand the context of the remaining text, you should read the full confession by the artist in Annex B.]
[Note that her thoughts are not exactly coherent. This is just a semi-rephrased version of her thoughts, not an attempt to "coherent-ise" her thoughts.]
She read the admission, assuming that he was playing with people since it was such a colossally stupid thing to "come out" about, but it did not have to be this way. If he was sarcastically mimicking real opinions in order to troll people, he should indicate that in some way or another. If he was confessing to fraud, it would imply that he was not serious at some point of time, because of the nature of what he said he did.
"I lied to you and here's a completely mundane wall of text explaining why." This did not make sense as a joke. It was boring, smug and humorless — like the attitude he was supposed to be mocking. There is nothing subtle going on, it's just one layer, unless the joke was just "haha I lied about lying" which would be just simply nonsensical. If he was really a person with depression, and he really did feel for other depressed people, why would targeting them, specifically for humiliation, stroke him as funny? Why would he make a big post ridiculing the idea of depression not being real, but then target depressed people as the base of his joke? Someone who writes dry, cynical but fairly funny comics should be better at pulling off a gigantic troll like this.
The clue that it was a joke didn’t have to be like putting italics on everything, or sprinkling it with lol-ing emoticons or whatever. Subtle sarcasm/trolling is much funnier than obvious disagreements. One cannot just just repeat verbatim the attitude you disagree with in a really insulting, dismissive way and expect readers to put in the funny bits for them.
She read the entire comments section. Most of them were "I don't care, I still want the book" and "I don't see what people are upset about, it's a funny comic." There were like two people who even mentioned the "depression is nonexistent" message. So even if it was some kind of trolling, it did not bring about the intended effect.
She already wrote a big post talking about various elements of both the "confession" and the comics he drew and how they showed a similar style of humour but then she realised it would not convince anyone that she was not a horrible person for saying that was meant as a joke.
Her intention of saying it was a joke was neither to make fun of anyone for “not getting it”, nor because she did not think that depression is a serious matter, but because as someone who had been reading John Campbell’s stuff for several years, she had a point of reference to put this against; she did not know if the majority of people who were re-blogging about this had such an reference, and with that context it felt like she was seeing people using a lot of energy arguing about something that ultimately would turn out to had been a huge waste of their time and likely a huge embarrassment to them to have put so much energy towards.
If it turned out that he really faked depression for money, then yes, she would be upset and disappointed to had defended him. If you were someone who gave him money specifically because you thought you were helping someone with depression, then she would feel sorry for you. But she felt that there were too much snark to his "confession" for it to be taken as a serious admittance of crimes committed. She felt that there are some information that that he had not revealed, and she wanted to give some kind of warning to others paying attention to this matter because it did not look like anyone else was doing so. They should not be playing with people's emotions. Where do we draw the boundaries in art? He was an artist that said things that "made people think of x", not to "promote my views on x".
Oh, for God’s sake, Tumblr.
It is possible - seriously, it is! - for people to joke about serious subjects. In fact sometimes it’s healthy! Especially if the people making the joke are mocking something that affects their own lives. How many comedians do you know who have built a career on mocking their own race, gender, social demographic? Do you not think that this right extends to everyone who wants to find the humor in otherwise humorless situations?
Seriously, fuck your overwrought sense of JUSTICE sometimes. Your hearts are in the right place but you really need to pull the virtual stick out of your virtual ass because you are becoming a joke yourselves. No, really. You’re a parody of yourselves, and you’re making the things you are trying so hard to champion into things where people roll their eyes and scroll on by. Do you know that I see the word “abelist” and my initial reaction is to groan? Or “white privilege,” that phrase makes my teeth hurt. I’m sure this isn’t what you were going for, when you started ranting and raving about this stuff.
And hey, I have clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I have a fancy piece of paper from a real doctor that says so, and I have a little bottle of pills that I have to take every day or else I want to kill myself. And I thought the joke was funny. Does that make me abelist? Against myself? Or does it mean that I can recognize someone else making light of their own dark situation?
Whatever. Just please, keep your righteous frothing at the mouth to yourselves, and don’t get any on me, okay? Because this shit is bananas and Tumblr is going to rob the internet of all its humor until we’re left with nothing but, well, Tumblr.
- L.L., source
She had not spoken to John in a few years, so no, she was not ‘in on the joke’. She also emphasised that she was not a close friend of his or anything — she had never met him — but she had always liked and supported his work.
"I’ve never had depression or been on medication for any mental health issue, but I am a sensitive person with lots of emotions and I’ve always been all about EMPATHY." She thought that was the message of Scott Pilgrim, that people ought to try to understand each other better.
She felt bad for John because he clearly wrote something from a troubled place, and maybe it was ill-advised, but it seemed that he was compelled to do so anyways.
She thought the whole thing was some kind of weird performance art and she would respect that. The first post was self-directed satire by a depressed person who was annoyed that people gave him shit every day. The second post was a weird/bad reaction to all the unexpected new shit he got for the first post. The third post was a straightforward confession of his real state of mind. That’s how she read them.
The unfortunate part was that he did this (from his fans’ point of view) while sitting on a pile of their money. She doubted that he had ever made that much money from his art before, and she assumed the level of creator/fan responsibility that came with big money was brand-new to him. So while she felt that she understood what he did, she still did not think that he should had done it at that time or in that venue. She believed that it had done immeasurable harm to his career.
She did not believe it was ‘supposed’ to be funny, for what it’s worth. It was supposed to be thought-provoking. People were getting really hung up on the idea of ‘funny’ or the idea that this was a ‘failed joke’. What really happened was a bunch of people got super-offended that a depressed person made light of his own condition. He did it in a way that was facetious or sarcastic or satirical (or whatever you want to call it), but the fact that it confused people did not mean he meant it sincerely.
Her response to those who were deeply offended was this —
Examine the reasons you are offended. Examine the actions you have taken in response. If you are offended by one or two isolated sentences from this, you may be reading the whole thing wrong. When we talk about ‘context’ we just mean ‘read all the sentences and think about them as a whole’.
If you’re still offended because you think an artist was faking depression and stole peoples’ money, well, you haven’t really put a lot of thought into this, because he wasn’t, and he didn’t. The people calling for a boycott of John or trying to make Topatoco take down his merchandise are deeply troubling to me.
Even if the guy said something regrettable, the extremity of the reaction is more like an angry mob than a righteous crusade. He’s gonna be suffering for this for a long time regardless. I feel bad for him, and I feel bad for his fans, many of whom he’s permanently alienated.
- L.L., modified, source
This was going to be a cliché; “I’ve had depression, I know real pain, man, you weren’t there, oh man” speech, but I plead you to stay with it.
She felt that depression was being glamorised. It seemed that if one wanted to be seen as deep, or emotionally mature, then they would say they have depression. All the musicians have it, all the rock stars, all the cool people, she got that. If she followed that line of thinking, she could understand why John faked it.
And she understood that it was very hard to prove if one has depression, or they don’t. There were no physical traits, and sometimes being sad feels plain awful. There’s no remedy for that. What should people do? Second guess anyone who feels depressed? Well, given this display from John, maybe everyone should.
She believed depression isn’t something anyone should fake. It’s not something one should want to tag to their persona. She meant it. It was the most debilitating, humiliating disease that she had ever been subjected to. It made a fool of her. It sucked out every shard of hope or motivation that she had ever had in her body, and it made her want to destroy herself.
The very fact that someone said to themselves, “Well maybe I should fake I have that” was frankly disgusting. If she were to compare this to a physical injury, it would be like someone faking they’ve had a terrible accident, putting on a limp, always walking round with a bandage.
Imagine if a friend one day said: “Hey, I’ve actually been faking this limp so people will be nicer to me.” Would you think that was okay?
Now, a lot of people said: “Hey, it’s satire, it’s a joke. He’s pushing buttons for publicity.”
No
See?
This isn’t satire.
Monty Python’s sketch, “The Upper Class Twit of the Year” was satire because it directly insulted who they really were, and the friends around them, and did it in a way that was silly and accessible on every level. (This is the sketch: https://youtu.be/k5ba1OKY7Xc [Blocked by Believe Entertainment])
What John had done was to lie about what problems he faced, and then insulted anyone who had experienced depression. The fact that he called out so many other creative people now made people say: “Well, is my friend really depressed?” and as a result, some people may not get the help they need.
If you have depression, say you have it.
If you don’t, don’t say you do.
She just did not get what he would get out of it. She could understand he would be tricking people, and getting money, but at what cost? How much of a dick did he had to be to do that?
And what kind of a dick did he had to be to say, “Actually, I’m not depressed, I was lying, but it’s just satire, so it’s a joke, so you should laugh, because that makes it better.”
Needless to say, she had lost all respect she had had for John Campbell, and for some other people on the list he published.
She could not respect someone who faked a disease for money, and then made a joke out of it. That was not someone she would want to look up to, and it’s not someone anyone should look up to, either.
She did not even know what was the point of this except to get attention. But this was an extreme disrespect to the mentally ill community and yet another example of how we became punchlines and concepts to people instead of — you know — actual people, actual people whose lives actually have more in them than their mental illness. You cannot pretend to be mentally ill any more than you can pretend to be a different race. All you could do was to emulate stereotypes and perpetuate them, and that’s terrible.
She also felt that it is terrible for someone to say that just because they did not personally struggle with depression meant that it was not real. She did not care if they thought it was exacerbated by culture, because she did not believe anyone could give a definite answer of whether it was or not, but the basic disorder in and of itself is not up for debate.
And frankly with some of the things that have been going on in my life lately, if you were to say this to my face, I would actually hit you.
- L.L., source
[If you want to read more visit her post]
5.8 - Other interesting thoughts
Here are some things she wrote on Tumblr that might be interesting.
- Fear of Death
- Magnetic Katamari for boyfriend's birthday
- Insomnia is so productive
- Adventures in Hypomania Part I
- Adventures in Hypomania Part II
- COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE
This is usually how I look when I walk at night- New and more meaningful Q&A sites
- An Overly Bulleted Update
Oh look at all these excited college bound kids….
School will teach you many things
but it’s not very good at preparing you for life.
- L.L., source
6 - Ontario
In November 2012, while not enrolled in any university courses, she decided that she want to travel to Ottawa and Toronto by herself. She was somewhat excited as she managed to get her parents to allow her travel by herself, but she was also on her downs, which might have limited her excitement. She also decided to be more open and meet some of the people she talked to online, including those who marked themselves anonymous.
Unconfirmed but I may be in Ottawa and Toronto next week. I’m open to meeting some of you greyfaces if you live in the area.
Applicants must include photo, SIN card, 3 references and DNA sample.
*obligatory ?
- L.L., source
In the above quote, she made a joke (probably) about requiring "photo, SIN (probably misspelled) card, 3 references and DNA sample", which she later confirmed that one would need to just leave her an ask on Tumblr. This joke was referencing her vigorous process of trying to get a job at WWOOF (chapter 5.4). She was also looking forward to visiting Canadian parliament. She also tagged her post with a joke of throwing things at government.
Progression of #ontblah trip
Vancouver → Ottawa → Kingston → Toronto → Vancouver
 |
| A "subway-inspired" map of her progression on the trip. Not an accurate representation of the real distances and locations of the destinations. |
6.1 - Convinced her parents
In the moment when she considered to be "a rare moment of normalcy", she talked to her parents about going to Ontario for a trip by herself and asked if they would allow her to do so, as well as to help cover her expenditures for her trip as well. She told them that she had never been to Ottawa and Toronto, and that she was planning to stay at a hostel.
Her main consideration about the hostel was the presence of Wi-Fi network for her to have access to the internet.
Her parents asked her not to take the bus, which would be cheaper, as "a few years ago in Winnipeg a guy got his head cut off on a greyhound bus"...
She agreed to it, as taking the train was much prettier and relaxing than taking bus.
However, the "short" trip did not appear to be cheap.
She felt increasing difficulty in talking about her trip as she was concerned about her parents having a hard time managing their finance, and she would not want them to worry about their finance even more.
Her parents asked some more questions which she got tired of hearing,
"Isn’t it cold this time of year?"
"Have you planned out what you’re going to do?"
"Make sure you bring a warm coat"
She had little patience with her family as they kept on insisted on giving instructions as though, as she felt, like she's 10. She also affirmed that she was sane and rational, able to think properly, and therefore she should be able to figure her plan out.
Just save your breath and not ask stupid questions that have obvious answers. When I have my details planned out I will tell you. If I need help I will come consult you. Until then go away!
- L.L., source
She felt that her parents were obnoxious and she didn't want to listen to their pointless chatter. By her parents talking to her and being near her, she felt the worry, the anxiety and the mollycoddling (trying to pamper her) coming from her parents.
She also added that she was an over-planner who scrutinizes every single hour of the trip, analyzing her trip to maximise her trip time. She also had contingency plans in case the trip didn’t work out as planned.
"Remember this person has anxiety issues?" she said.
Ahh the arrogance of youth. She realised that she was thinking as if she knew everything when she did not live long enough to see things, and not listening to her parents opinion and their considerations.
Yes, she’s rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, selfish, sacarstic, "giving attitude"…
She was aware of it. She was trying to improve. She didn’t mean all of those personally, and she felt guilty for showing those kind of attitudes to people, and felt shameful about them as she didn’t think that her parents, or anyone giving advice to her deserved this disrespectful treatment from her. But she couldn’t really help it. She had been feeling apathetic lately and she wished that she didn’t feel like how she felt at the moment. She felt that she would not be mature soon and that she might be a "crazy cat lady" for a good period of her life.
Her parents agreed to allow her to travel. She was really looking forward for it. She also started to ask people on Tumblr about what to do once she arrived to Ottawa and Toronto.
Her concern was now about her inability to sleep despite being tired from a full day of walking and exploring. It would had been better if she had some sleeping pills, which she already ran out.
She looked forward to this trip.
6.2 - Planning
Being the first time she planned her own trip [citation needed], planning was way more tiring and complicated than she initially thought. She was very nervous and ended up sleeping for roughly three days without doing any packing and after that she experienced another possible hypomania, which she thought of using it to catch up the lost productivity for the past three days.
Today:
Smells like…..hypomania
Sponsored by Coke and black tea.
After sleeping for 3 days it’s time for a 30 hour hypomanic frenzy. So many things to do so many things to do so much energy must do things too many ideas so many things to catch up lalalallala productivity productivity effienciency efficienckjhlkjslkd;jadds;
- L.L., source
She couldn't sleep for more than three hours per day for the next few days.
During her packing she also broke her Macbook Pro hinges, which she later referred to as "crackbook pro". She was worried as she could not really afford to have a new laptop.
We've been through a lot, you and I
You were the shining beacon throughout the depression
OH GOD WHY DID I ABUSE YOU SO MUCH
WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL THING DOES THIS SIGNFIGY!??!?!?!
- L.L., modified, source
She took roughly a day to "fix" it by using a duct tape to tape the hinges. She also joked about needing one of those laptops that the military had, and even if the laptop could withstand a missile, she would still manage to break it anyways.
She got tickets to see a Canadian personality, George Mark Paul Stroumboulopoulos, in person. She also noticed that The Killers were going to have a concert in Toronto on 15th of December, but her trip would end on the 11th. She had to decide whether she would stay for another four days. She weighed the pros and cons for staying.
Pros:
- yes I want to see them
- They are a band I genuinely enjoyed the first time around and they’re new album so far sounds quite good
- hahahah Brandon Flowers in eyeliner
- WOW another concert that’s 2 in one year!
Cons:
- Bloody itinerary is set. This would involve a nice phone call with customer service
- OK staying an additional 6 days in Toronto would mean I’d be there for 16 days so DO I REALLY WANT TO BE IN TORONTO FOR 2 weeks+ in THE WINTER????
- (pro) on the other hand I could go have another day or two in Ottawa or visit some other place
- Oh god this is going to cost like another…..$500 for accommodations, transit, food
- L.L., modified, source
She original thought, as a young carefree person who doesn't plan for the future and makes spur of the moment decisions that she would regret later, that she would stay for another few days. But her sister woke her from the dream of extending her trip, said that she was already spending a lot of money on the trip and the family could not afford an estimated additional of $600 of her expenditures. Elisa's sister advised her that there would always be another time for her to see the band.
After a few days of planning, she had found it to be more tiring and stressful than she thought. She was exhausted from not being able to sleep for more than three hours per day, even with the aid of her sleeping pills. Her brain just wouldn't turn off as she kept thinking about things she had to do and plan for her days. She also had no appetite and had not been eating much.
She was running all over the place, picking up things, then making a note to do that and trying to keep track. She found out that having lists was helpful, as it was nice to cross things off.
She also got a bad cough and had been trying to get rid of it, as she could not be sick for the trip.
She felt that she might be expecting too much out of herself and pushing herself too hard to do all the planning and packing at once.
She also found out that her Ontario trip would cost almost two grand... just for food, accommodation and transit. She felt that it would be worth it if she had a good time and enjoyed herself on the trip.
6.2.1 - Could not ask anyone for help
[This sub-section is an adaptation from her Tumblr post.]
She preferred to do things on her own. However, she felt that she could not ask anyone for help or get a second opinion from. She felt that her mother and father were not helpful at all, as all they do was to add more worry and she did not want to hear them worrying. She felt that she did not need her parents worrying about her, and found them to be a broken record repeating their worries, concerns and advices that they had said for the past week. When her parents talked to her, all she felt was guilt and worry, and she really didn't like it; it upset her so much. She wanted to, but felt like it's impossible to, tell her parents to keep their worrying and mollycoddling to themselves and not pass them to her. The tension in her household got so bad that she started to anger her sister as well.
"Good grief! I am escaping. I am escaping. It's going to be worth it. It's going to be worth it." she kept mumbling to herself, hoping that her trip would relief her from the family stress.
There was just far too much guilt that she felt when she was around her family. They had good intensions but she felt that sometimes their good intensions can have negative consequences. The stress was building up to a point when she just had to snap and shout at them
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!"
Her family just left her room.
Now that just further added on to her guilt and shame. But she felt that her family are also thick headed [she might meant thick skinned] and she had no idea why she had to say things more than once and had to repeat them countless times to make herself clear that she was perfectly capable of planning a trip. She knew that they are trying to help her and asking questions about things for the trip that she might not have considered before, but she insisted that she had thought about them and was in the process of taking care of them. She was "obsessive compulsive" [she was very particular about the details; not having OCD] in the planning stages as she wanted to do everything and figure out the most efficient use of her time. Can't they show some faith?
She really cannot wait to get on the plane for the trip and just relax out of this madness. She didn't even want her parents to drive her to the airport as she felt that during the entire journey to the airport and the departure zone the atmosphere around her would be filled with worries from her parents. She wanted to just stop having to put up a show to her parents that she was handling everything and consistently trying to prove that she is okay, because if she did the slightest thing that might suggest that she might be about to break down mentally her parents would go into "red alert worry overdrive".
She just needed some good eight hours of sleep and she would be fine.
It was times like those that she felt that she was desperately alone and unable to turn to someone to ask for their opinion. She felt that no one would like her to interrupt their busy lives and ask a question that was completely unrelated to what they were doing. She couldn't even reach out to her boyfriend, albeit that she would still see him, and not her best friend.
It is so tragic to feel so alone and think wow, I have no one to depend on when I need an ear or someone’s opinion because my own judgment can be stupid sometimes (like making a decision but then last minute changes and then having to rectify everything that you did and then saying why were you so stupid in the first place)
- L.L., source
She took it as another reminder that her friends had their own lives to lead and she didn't have, to further prove her depression and self-hate mind.
But at the same time, the pressure from her parents made her not to be willing to ask them for any help as she felt that any attempt to do so would signify that she was incapable and useless. It was now only 24 hours until she would depart for her trip. Her parents would ask her another countless set of questions about her preparedness for the trip and she believed that if she was unprepared even to the slightest on her own, her parents would go into "hyper-worry-problem-solving-drive".
Another part of her pressure stem from her trying to be more independent and taking charge of her personal affairs, as she did not want to keep being dependent on others to help with the decision making process with her. She was in the process of doing the best on her own.
She insisted on her mind that if she needed help she would ask for it.
When I’m thinking, don’t ask me questions I’m already trying to solve because it pisses me off and irritates me. GO AWAY I will come to you WHEN I THINK I CANNOT HANDLE IT.
- L.L., modified, source
She started to think that once she had done planning and getting ready, she would panic as whatever she thought could go wrong would go wrong. Especially when she handles technology, she had to troubleshoot every single time when she tried to get her electronic devices to function.
Murphy’s Law [Anything that can go wrong will go wrong] made it impossible for her to calm down and she was in a state of overreacting all the time.
She was very exhausted, but she had to push through. It was the last 24 hours before her trip and she looked forward for it. She really needed a decent night sleep. She hoped to finally leave her home to have a peace of mind.
I am very excited, I will be seeing new places and old friends and hopefully meet some interesting and nice people.
- L.L., source
On the midnight of the day of her departure [practically the night before], she apparently called a suicide hotline and spoke for two hours. She left the following evening for Ottawa.
Off to Ontario I go!
Omg I can taste the poutine and politics already.
- L.L., modified, source
6.3 - Ottawa
She arrived at Ottawa in the early hours of 25th of November 2012. Since it was around 4 in the morning, she decided to just (attempt to) sleep at the airport.
Later that day, she moved to a temporary shared accommodation where she would stay for a night. Once she reached, she was so tired from her plane journey and her packing before the trip (she was also having insomnia) that she slept for the whole afternoon and evening.
She woke up in the late evening and started to comment about the place she was staying in.
She felt like the accommodation she was staying in was like a frat house. She might be sharing accommodation with some males.
[Frat house, or fraternity house, is a house where male students who formed a (secret) society lives together. They generally also have had female students staying together there as well (and possibly exploiting them). The impression on the fraternities is usually bad.]
Even though she was glad that she had a good sleep for the first time for the week, she was feeling really uncomfortable with the place she was staying in.
It's okay, she's only here for a night.
Her first impression on the people in Ottawa was that they are "sketchy looking".
The next morning, she was starting to feel sick. The weather in Ottawa was cold and it also snowed. She moved to another hostel which was much quieter and peaceful.
She was very comfortable with the new place and had a peaceful time being about in the city.
[Picture: Ottawa is beautiful and very peaceful]
On the night of her third day in Ottawa, she was feeling a bit of a kind of loneliness or homesick. She was also still feeling nervous about Ottawa, which she attributed to the difference in culture there as compared to her home town. She felt that Ottawa was very nice, but the people there looked incredibly sketchy and the place had a general tired feel to it, which she thought it could just be the fact that it was winter there.
She felt that she might just need to talk to someone.
She visited the National Gallery of Canada.
[Picture: At the national gallery of Canada]
It is not known what she did there exactly, but she shared a picture on her Instagram.
It is unknown if she also visited the Canadian Parliment.
She envied the people there for being able to converse in both English and French fluently, and even switching in between them seamlessly. Possibly driven by her envy, she impulsively shopped for a lot of French books so that she could practise her French. She had not have much opportunity to practise her French and had forgotten most of the vocabularies of the language. Even though she believed that she would probably just leave the French books abandoned on her bookshelf and regret her impulsive action, she still bought a lot of French books. She bought French version of Twilight; she referred to the act as fascination. She also bought the French version of Harry Potter and learnt that Hogwarts is known as Poudlard in French. Furthermore, she bought the French version of The Great Gatsby, which was titled "Gatsby Le Magnifique". She might be purchasing books on impulse and envy but she didn't care.
"LALALALLALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU"
[Picture: I'm not obsessed. I'm a "collector"]
6.4 - Kingston
Elisa had a stopover at Kingston before proceeding to Toronto. She arrived on 30th of November 2012 and reached there by train (as suggested by her parents).
[Picture: CHOO CHOO I'm A TRAIN]
On her way there she took a scene on the train ride while passing through a snow covered grass plains.
[Picture: Canada is this what the prairies are like? Flatter than a crepe.]
Once she reached Kingston she took a taxi to her accommodation. After her tiring train ride she slept for the rest of the day and most of her following day away. On the evening of the following day, she handled some of her laundry and went out to have a sandwich. She also played with a dog while she was out.
6.5 - Toronto
Elisa had reached Toronto presumably on the evening of 2nd of December 2012. But she was having trouble planning on what to do in Toronto. So much to do but so little time. She thought she probably need some sleep.
She was excited to see George Stroumboulopoulos on the next day.
6.5.1 - Morning out with roommate
Elisa booked a shared room in Toronto with at least one other roommate. On her third day in Toronto, she went to Bata Shoe Museum with another girl who stayed in the same room with her. She also went to a fusion lunch at the Gardiner café with that girl. The food at the Gardiner café were served with a pretty presentation but in small portions and costs $12. Elisa found it to be overpriced and not filling enough, especially when the dish was mostly coleslaw.
Fodor your suggestions kinda suck in terms of filling up a stomach. PRETTY PRESENTATION IN SMALL PORTIONS FOR $12 and most of it is coleslaw?
- L.L., source
6.5.2 - Library Tantrum
As a Sherlock Holmes fan, she wanted to check out the Arthur Conan Doyle Room in the Toronto Reference Library. The room is located on the fifth floor of the library and only opens between 2pm and 4pm. So she went to the library with the specific intent to visit the room, with admiring the architecture being a side reason. But when she reached the fifth floor of the library she found out that the room was closed for renovation.
[Picture: this was a sign that I wasn't a real doyle fan (requires account)]
She immediately broke down and (kind of) threw a tantrum in the middle of a quiet library. She was disappointed in herself that she did not check that the room was undergoing renovation. (The room was closed from 3rd of October 2011 and was scheduled to reopen in early 2013, but the renovation lasted until 2014)
But she realised that she needed to be more like an adult. The notice did instruct those who want to get the materials from the room collection to proceed to the Baldwin Room on the fourth floor to request. She went to the Baldwin Room and requested to see the materials that were from the Arthur Conan Doyle Room. Some of the materials were The first issue of the Strand Magazine and A Scandal in Bohemia pulp/dime novel from the 1920s.
6.5.3 - "Super cool and awesome friend"
She met up with a friend of a friend whom she referred to as super cool and awesome, and they walked along Queen Street West, where there were tons and tons of stores, and a lot of interior design stores that she really wanted to peruse. But there wasn't enough time.
The "a friend of a friend whom she referred to as super cool and awesome", whom became a new friend of Elisa, took her to the World's Biggest Bookstore, which were set to close down (as in the lease expires) the following year (the bookstore closed down on 30th March 2014 and was developed as Panda Condominiums). Elisa felt that while the bookstore was big, the signage was the biggest part of the bookstore.
Her new friend (Elisa later referred her as friend-turned-foe) brought her to the neighbouring bookstore, BMV Books, which sells wide variety of secondhand books at discounted prices. She found quite a number of bookings having 50% discount, which are fairly new releases of books, as well as comics, graphic novels and children's books. She could not resist herself despite having an already purchased an overwhelming amount of books back in Ottawa, and went on another book shopping spree. She saw a Jeopardy 2013 Calendar sold for only $7, Series of Unfortunate Events and The Austere Academy sold for only $5.99. She couldn't believe that places with such cheap books could exist and, oh wait... there were still even more places?
Oh she was really overwhelmed by the amount of books that she could get for a very good price, and that she had already bought a lot from the first place. She was very frustrated (and really upset) that her "friend-turned-foe" didn't tell her earlier.
Oh she got so much books from the trip that she was really concerned whether she could pack all of them and bring them back home. She thought she should really get a ebook reader, but she felt like
"UGHH NEW INVENTIONS"
and she was old and not embracing in changing her reading ways.
She thought she should really get some rest.
PS///
I learned a new word
fax comes from facsimile which means a copy of an original document/picture
- L.L., source
6.5.4 - Royal Ontario Museum
Day 4 in Toronto: she visited the Royal Ontario Museum, possibly impressed by the architecture design and the sheer size of it. She spent more than five hours exploring the first and half the second floors of the museum, and was tired out after that.
Just just
wow
I mean
oh god
- L.L., source
She wondered how one could explore The Metropolitan Museum of Art in Manhattan (a.k.a. The MET), when considering that the Royal Ontario Museum was already the "downsized" version of The MET and she got tired exploring about half of it.
That night she was upset that on the same day, she missed the appearance of Martin Freeman on the Colbert Report.
HOW DARE YOU ABANDON THE TV AND INTERNET LIKE THIS FOR WHAT? FOR A PETTY MUSEUM THAT IS GOOD FOR A FLING? OURS WAS TRUE EVERLASTING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
- L.L., source
6.5.5 - "How to meet people"
[This sub-section is an adaptation of her Tumblr post]
Elisa had written about an unconventional way of meeting new people and making friends with them. Apparently she learnt this from her experience of staying in hostels. This way was in two simple steps:
- You go up to them and SHOUT talk very quickly with a maniacal smile.
- and then run away.
She tried to explain the theory behind her unusual method of making friends.
The theory was that after the person looked incredibly surprised by the sudden onslaught of speech by a stranger the person are obviously in shock. When they were recovering from their shock they knew they weren’t being swore/cursed at but did not understand what just happened.
This led them to look at you like you had just escaped from your babysitter/nurse/guardian. Notice that this person would be LOOKING AT YOU as opposed to avoiding eye contact with a stranger that otherwise would have glazed over you because they thought you were part of the scenery.
Therefore, they would either look at some innocent bystander who witnessed this, while not being dangerous, but definitely, unnatural unprovoked flurry of words
Or if you’re lucky (it worked in 93% of the cases when the person is polite)
They would come over to you with a smile and say Hi!
But now instead of YOU being all nervous, flustered and socially awkward, they approach you warily instead and are even MORE socially awkward and anxious,
So then when they noticed that you turned out to be normal (at this stage you should not shout things in incoherent sentences), they would laugh, be relieved and out of politeness they would make small talk.
i.e.
What’s your name?
Where are you from?
“So, uh, do you like cheese?"
Kids, it’s that easy!
I just wrote a bestseller.
*Disclaimer and Bibliography*
Only sources and research done has been a week long stay in hostels in Ontario. Research grants and contributions to fund scholarly scientific inquiry is ongoing.
- L.L., source
Even though this sounds logical, it is probably very hypothetical and it is unknown whether she tried this on her Ontario trip.
6.5.6 - Consignment Shop
Day 5: she went on a shopping spree in a consignment shop, spending two hours and $300 worth of items. She met with one of the workers there, whom she claimed to be homosexual (gay), and she found the person to be really sweet. The person was also a socialite, and had similar style tastes (or exact same tastes) to Elisa.
But the most important thing to her was that she found the perfect blazer that she had been looking for. It had a breast pocket. It only cost her $20.
6.5.7 - The Art Gallery of Ontario
Elisa went to The Art Gallery of Ontario presumably on Day 7 of her Toronto trip. There were not much information about her visit to the museum, except the fact that she posted a photo on Instagram claiming that this museum might be the best museum to visit.
[Picture: The Art Gallery of Ontario may be the best museum to visit. (Account Required)]
She also took a picture showing herself and her attire for the night.
 |
| "This is usually how I look when I walk at night." - L.L., source |
6.5.8 - Ending
Elisa had really enjoyed her trip in Toronto. She also found herself to be quite fond of the shared accommodation that she stayed in. It was the final few hours in this hostel and she would miss the hostel, with the staff and the beautiful lounge, very much. She was also happy to had met all the Germans, Australians, English, Irish, Koreans, a Swede, an Austrian, an Iranian and all the other nationalities that drifted through the hostel.
NO I WILL NOT TEAR UP
Thank god for technology.
On to the next adventure…
- L.L., modified, source
She proceeded to stay at her cousin's house, which was located at an expensive neighbourhood.
"GOOD GOD THIS HOUSE IS NICE", she found this house to be very appealing.
She felt that she had been very lucky with the nice accommodations throughout the trip. Well, less the first one she stayed in (she called it a frat house). Each of the places had been ridiculously clean, modern, quiet and uh… It's just so perfect.
She was really glad that she took the trip by herself. She went overboard asked a ton of people whether they wanted a personalized postcard for themselves. She enjoyed writing "personalized epic novel paragraphs", but it was going to take some time to write for all of the people she asked.
She reviewed all the money that she spent and… oh god… She kept all the receipts and she mostly used debit card so that she could see what she spent her money on for the trip.
- FOOD
- BOOKS
- MUSEUM + Museum Gift shop
and that was $900 ladies and gentleman
- L.L., modified, source
She spent the last night at her cousin's house.
"Toronto, you have enchanted me"
She was very amazed by the wonderful discoveries she had and the amazing people she met in Toronto. She felt that she could not have asked for more from any city or any place.
She journaled down the details of the conversations she had with the people she met, because at the end, it's the people that she came across that were the most memorable, and those would get etched in her memory for the trip more than anything else. She was grateful about having met those people. She felt fulfilled and at peace, knowing that she had lived wholeheartedly throughout the trip. She felt that she had learnt and experienced what living wholeheartedly was like, and how rare the experience was.
"K GUYS GROUP HUG" she thanked the people she met once again.
However, when she was packing for her trip back home, she ran into a problem.
OMFG PACKING WHY DID I BUY SO MANY BOOKS IT ISN’T ALL FOR ME LAJDLSJAL;DJAL;KJSDLKJSDLAKJLASKJD;LKASJALK;DSJASLDJ.
Thank god I played so much Tetris right right, and yeah Legos totally came in handy
This counts as a workout
- L.L., modified, source
She went back to her hometown on the 11th of December 2012.
7 - Contemplations and Rants II
J’ai une âme solitaire
- L.L., source
After coming back from the fulfilling Ontario trip, it was back to her normal life at home.
On her plane ride back home, she caught a cold and felt very awful. She also afraid that this discomfort would affect her sleep.
I have the chills, a raspy voice and phlegm-ing everywhere.
I feel disgusting.
EVEN THOUGH I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE
Tis the season to be sick
- L.L., modified, source
This chapter will summarise some of the events she went through and things she shared after the trip.
DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME?!??! DID THIS JUST HAPPEN?!?!?!
I’m trying to act calm but I AM A HUGE FAN OF FRENCH CUISSE!!!!!
OMG OUR PIXELS TOUCHEDIt's like we breathed the same air
- L.L., modified, source
7.1 - Boyfriend break up
One evening, out of nowhere, her boyfriend asked her for "a break".
She didn't really know what to say about this, but she was in shock and and felt upset that her boyfriend might be breaking up with her.
I could drown my sorrows in ice cream. I suppose. I just… don't know how to respond
- L.L. , modified, source
She was not really upset about the notice from her boyfriend. In fact she said that she was okay. She understood why her boyfriend would ask her for "a break".
She was in a weird state when she not angry, even though she felt that she should be angry, but wasn't.
This was really confusing. It might just need some time to sink in.
She consulted her sister, who she claimed that unlike herself, was not socially inept, and her sister explained to her that she had already saw that coming and what her boyfriend meant by "a break".
She [Elisa's sister] explained that her boyfriend was not happy with his relationship, and wanted to break up. But he being a very nice person and not wanting to send Elisa off into another emotional spiral of doom into a depression, he was easing a way into a break up by starting with "a break".
So yeah.
Still trying to process this information. Elisa was having a hard time to register an emotion. It ought to be a heartbreak, hurt and emotional turmoil, falling over and beating her chest screaming "WHYYY". But she felt fine. She was confused about how she was trying to feel about it. Did the fact that she felt okay clear her confusion?
So she just need to sit down with her boyfriend and have a serious conversation about their relationship. Hopefully, it would not be too difficult for her, in which a drama would break out with herself breaking into tears and her boyfriend getting all frustrated and turning into a typical bad ugly shouting breakup cliché.
She suppose that she would be more heartbroken when it does actually happen. He was a really a nice guy. They did not make guys like him very often. Sigh. Why does boys take so long to grow up?
I suppose this means I’ve overcome the terror of being all alone. I’m an INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO NEED NO MAN.
- L.L., source
Two days later, her boyfriend had officially broke up with her. She was mentally prepared, and somehow, her best friend also had a break up. Instead of breaking down, she danced the "single ladies" with her dog. She didn't seem upset.
I am once again on track to becoming a crazy cat lady
WHEEEEEEEEEEEE
- L.L., source
7.2 - Postcards
She took roughly six days after the end of her Ontario trip to finish her personalized postcards for the people who requested them. She hoped that the postcards would reach their recipients by Christmas.
England, USA and The Netherlands look for my owl!
- L.L., source
She ordered new shoes from an Australian site and it arrived really fast. DHL charged her $40 for customs and taxes, which while expensive and a bit infuriating, but was well worth it.
7.3 - Getting Better
She was feeling sick since she came back from Ontario, but she felt that she really needed to recover fast as she was intending to pick up seasonal shifts in her retail job to make enough money, as she planned to go to California.
It was her grandmother's 87th birthday. She sat with her family and for the first time in a while she did not feel very uncomfortable as compared to times prior her Ontario trip. Yeah… a family dinner where she willingly sat down, made conversation, and it was all very good. She felt that it was a miracle and could be an indication that she was getting better.
7.4 - Post Break Up and Suitors
Elisa was not too distraught from the breakup, which was predicted by her sister, as he wanted to get back together with his ex after not talking to her for years. Her best friend said that he was a jerk and it was like he was not over his ex in the first place. She suspected early on that he would be the one to end her relationship.
"Ahh female intuition, I will try to listen to you more often."
She would miss hanging around him and going to his place and talking with his awesome roommates and his Play Station 3 (PS3) to play katamari and his extensive Calvin and Hobbes and Mutts collection. She felt that he might end up as a good friend of hers, which would be the best kind of ending one could hope for in any romantic relationship.
Her heart was not broken. She thought only her pride was wounded for ending up being a consolation companion prize while he pined for his ex. He was a decent person and there are so very few of those guys who were mature for his age. She did not wish to cloud him with ugliness and hate him for wanting to be happy with someone who makes, in the terms of her boyfriend, "his brain happy".
His words seriously there is a microchip in there I want to do a MRI
- L.L., source
He was a really good boyfriend and had been there for her when she went though difficult times to which she was grateful and could not ask for more.
She felt that it would be his loss anyways because now there were a lot of suitors starting to knock on her door. She guess she was really awesome.
Sigh.
It's just a lot of time and bother having to meet new people and then see if they turned out to not be psychos. Then there also chemistry and all those stupid details of getting used to each other's quirks. Can't they just give their URL so she and them could save time and go eat cake already?
7.5 - Singlehood
[This section is an adaptation of her Tumblr post]
One week after her break up, Elisa decided to reject a guy who asked her out. She felt that she didn't want to get his hopes up only to take his heart and crush it. Seriously though, after she went through puberty, she found that if any guys wanted to talk to her, less if he was gay, it would be because he wanted to get into her pants or something like that.
WHY DO THEY NOT TELL YOU THIS WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG
AOPHSODIJA)u03ur0980*U)@*#)(*)#(*@#
- L.L., source
She chatted with a guy online and got relieved when she found out the he had a girlfriend, which meant that he was not talking to her just to hit on her. In more dramatic relationship coffee shop girlfriend talking points: No, she did not harbour any romantic feelings for her ex-boyfriend. Apparently, she felt that she also had a computer part in the emotional centre of her brain [reference to her boyfriend terms]. She just flicked the switch from boyfriend to guy friend. Well, that was usually how it had been over the years, just massive crush leading to solid friendship for which she was grateful that she did not romanticize the relationship, or it would have gone messy.
But goddamn the in-between time of so much SEXUAL TENSION
So essentially if a girl talked to a guy long enough and found out about his life, he would like her and then because she listened he would think
"Yes, she's interested".
A book that had an interesting protagonist decided
"Hey you’re an excellent reader let’s go out!"
HHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
hwaht?!??! HWAHT?!??!
HOW AND WHEN DID WE JUMP FROM READING TO WANNA HOLD HANDS AND DO COUPLEY THINGS IN PUBLIC??????
- L.L., source
"Oh right…", she realised.
It was just fan fiction. But she did not even like the protagonist as a character.
She had a slight issue at hand. She found herself seemingly searching for a cute boy to fill in some gap. Something is up. Why is she out of the sudden interested in getting a new boyfriend? This was really annoying. Can't she just postpone this behaviour to spring because she had things to do, and being boy-crazy was not one of them.
"Dearest tumblr lurker reader stalker whatever whoever is interested in the trials and tribulations of my fascinating life," she wrote,
I apologise if you are wallowing in singlehoodom (apparently most of tumblr has accepted they will be forever alone scrolling through their dash)
and reading this chick apparently just got dumped but still manages to remain friends with the boy and already got asked out by a nice fellow and she rejected him OMG how does a person manage to get boys to like her???? I hope you are not reminded about how forever alone you are.
Fret not. You will not end up forever alone and once you find an equally socially awkward penguin I am sure you will have fun doing the egg toss or um that thing where they transfer the egg to keep it warm you know what I mean
Quite honestly all you have to do is get them to talk (ask the right questions) and listen to them and the rest will follow.
Though….
ALL LIVES END. ALL HEARTS ARE BROKEN. CARING IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE.
- L.L., source
For some normal news, she's starting work on the next day.
"YAY MONEY FOR FOOD"
7.5.1 - existssometimes's reply
The absence of read more warnings on the app has led me to the conclusion that I like your mind
- existssometimes [No longer his/her current Tumblr name], source
She didn’t know the app didn’t have that function. It seemed like it needed to be fixed because people do not go on Tumblr to read a wall of text, especially if it’s in caps lock and bad grammar because she was still "flu-ish" and dying which her "brain is 18% buffering".
[Keep Reading now kinda works in Tumblr now?]
YAY! Another friend!!!!
This is how she imagined the average parent of a Tumblr-er to react:
Me: Mom mom I made a new friend!
Mom: That’s nice. Where did you meet her?
Me: On the internet.
Mom: …………..
Me: She said she likes the way I think.
Mom: ……………..
Me: We LITERALLY re-blog the exact same things.
Mom: ……………..
Me: ……………….
Me: Umm all of the close friends in the last few years have been people I’ve met over the internet?
Mom: ………..
Me: I still have both of my kidneys?
- L.L., modified, source
7.6 - Retail Job
[Elisa got hired for a retail job on December 2011]
Elisa picked up some seasonal shifts as she wanted to save up some money for her planned trip to California.
Fairly certain the end of the world is next Wednesday
December 26: Boxing Day
#Retail hell
- L.L., source
She likely worked daily from the end of 2012 to the second / third week of January 2013 [citation needed].
During one of her shifts, on a Saturday, she worked for 9 hours. She participated in a club on that night, probably for the first time.
On the second week of January 2013, she journaled that she started to wear leggings as pants, and said that this was the beginning of her not giving a full commitment to her work attire.
hee hee
In other news I have resorted to wearing leggings as pants due to work. This is an indication of the beginnings of a downhill slope which means I have started to not give a flying shit meaning oh god retail why.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeoooooooo
- L.L., source
7.7 - Ill at Home / Programming Skills
In November 2011, she had expressed that she could have found a hobby, and followed by throwing herself into learning Computer Science and Programming, perhaps from her interest in Mathematics. Unfortunately, she lacked the willpower to do so.
On the day the world was supposedly going to end, she did not go to work when she was supposed to. She was feeling really ill and was having some breathing difficulties [It was 2012, remember, there was no COVID] and could not think properly. She did not sleep well the night before.
She found out that she caught the sickness from the plane ride home. Being stuck in a tiny room with recycled air meant that she would definitely pick something up.
She was in "power planning mode" for her first upcoming "WWOOF" trip to Santa Cruz California the following month. [The context of the involvement of WWOOF is unknown.] She was trying to see if she can enroll in some sort of beginner Computer Science Programming in University of California, Santa Cruz (UCSC) adult class because she knew nothing about computers, which she thought was inappropriate at her age. She brought up that 8-year-olds know how to hack into her computer and she only knew how to cut and paste.
However, the UCSC had their extension / adult education located in Santa Clara [San Jose], which was quite a distance from Santa Cruz, and she felt that, due to trip constraints, she could not travel there. She also preferred in person classes over online classes as she learnt better in person. But later she thought that there's a campus right near her and got frustrated with herself why she didn't just like audit a course or something.
In order to get to a course in California she had to make long distance phone calls.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeooooo
- L.L., [a form of catchphrase by now]
She really needed to get some sleep. She was still feeling sick and she didn't have the time to be sick.
That evening she posted two photographs on Instagram, taken from the same place in Hudson's Bay Vancouver. It is unknown when she took the photographs. Contrary to popular belief, those photos were most likely not taken from rooftop but rather through a glass window in one of the six floors of the store.
One was a daytime picture facing the then constructing TELUS Garden. [In 2012, when she took the photo, TELUS Garden just broke ground a few months prior. It was completed and opened on 17th of September 2015.]
[Picture: The city is where I live and breathe]
The other was a nighttime photo taken presumably from the same place, at a different angle, facing Parkwell Plaza, featuring the rooftop carpark.
[Picture: because it stops for no one. Time is constant and I must move with it]
These would be the last time she had ever posted on her Instagram.
Later in 2013, she shared a video featuring a programming prodigy, Santiago Gonzalez, who was very skilled in programming when he was 14 [2013], and was enrolled into University early for his age. He was expecting to graduate when he was 17.
[As of 2021, Santiago Gonzalez is now a professional developer and a PhD candidate at UT Austin. He is 22.]
[Video about Santiago Gonzalez at age 14]
14-YR-OLD PRODIGY PROGRAMMER DREAMS IN CODE (by thnkrtv)
OK RUB IT IN MY FACE WHY DON’T YOU ?!?!?!?!
WHEN I WAS 14 I WAS BUSY PLAYING NEOPETS
- L.L., source
7.8 - Clubbing
[This section is an adaptation of her Tumblr post]
In her out-of-character fashion, she went to a night club (maybe for the first time?) after a 9-hour shift on the same day. She was expecting to be touched all over and "get sweated on". She managed to get into the club through connections with some of her friends without paying for entry. She also got some free drinks.
The group she went with was her very good close friend, with her [close friend's] new boyfriend; her [close friend's] good friend - the cat [la chatte]; her [close friend's] very good guy friend - the tiger [le tigre]; and her [close friend's] new boyfriend's three guy friends - Japanese PHD student in Chemistry, Korean boy who grew up in Vietnam and a "ginger" named Rory.
In general, Elisa had fun during the club even though some things about the experience might be uncomfortable for her. It was better than she expected, and she was with a group of nice people.
The club was a sea of douchey [obnoxious looking or contemptible] guys and the ratio of guys to girls was about 2:1. This led to all the females in the club, Elisa herself included, being danced up to by a guy. She felt lucky to have went with a group of nice guys as the obnoxious boys at the club would leave her alone and not suddenly start to hump on her legs, seeing that she was already danced up by the group of nice guys she was with.
Because of something like "pre-drinking", of which presumably people drink before even showing up in the club, the guys were already quite drunk and their "inner ballerinas" came out. The music was also good and she had fun dancing with the music.
She thought that this is why people went to clubs.
The Japanese and Korean male seemed so alone and lonely without any girls dancing with them. She tried to stay by them and help them to get some girls to dance with them [in clubspeak they call this wingwomaning - they are ladies who stayed by you in a club so that you don't feel lonely or uncomfortable, regardless if you're a man or woman.] but she thought that they shouldn't deserve the company anyways; no girls wanted to dance with them, and she understood the girls' decisions. The Korean guy was trying to hit on anything with boobs even if the person he was hitting on was a guy. She found the Japanese guy was quite cute and could dance decently well. And no, she did make herself a very good wingwoman. She felt that it was nice talking to some girls, such as a group who were there to celebrate their friends 50th birthday, and a girl who she fist-bumped with, as she and the girl didn't care when people called them "bitches".
On the topic of liquor, Elisa was not very drunk as she did not really drank much. She had to take care of some people who drank too much. People had collapsed, threw up and were not standing properly. "The tiger" was being obnoxious and overbearing, and the Korean guy bumped on a douche which caused his [the douche] drink to spill on his shirt, and he wanting to beat the Korean guy for that. Luckily, Rory was driving and chose not to drink, hence being sober and being someone who was not too drunk for Elisa to talk to. She also had a good heart to heart with the Japanese guy as he was one of those nice guys she met in the club who didn't have self confidence and having difficult in getting a nice girl to accompany with. She hoped that she had helped boosting his spirits.
There are also douchbags [people who believed they was socially well-accepted, while they are not] who encircles the dancefloor with their drinks and watching the sea of people dancing. They came close to a group of girls in the hopes of snagging one of them by awkward dance moves. She was very uncomfortable with them.
A guy smothered up to her, tapped her shoulders and said
"Heyyyyyyyyyy 🥴"
before walking off smiling smugly at her.
"If looks could kill…" she thought to herself, having the discomfort that he gave.
But all in all, she had fun that night and it was nice seeing the boys and it was an experience. She was glad that no one got groped and being sweated on, and the moment was just dancing to the music with some very drunk and silly boys. Afterwards, she had, what she called the best late night drunk food, Poutine.
YOU CAN FIND ME IN DA KLUB
- L.L., source
7.9 - Full of Emotions
[This section is an adaptation of her Tumblr post]
Midnight on the third day of Christmas, she was full of… emotions, not bad emotions, just being apprehensive, on the edge about "feelings" and being nervous about her relations with people.
She felt that other people's feelings were highly contagious for her.
Also
Considering that her ex-boyfriend broke up with her because he wanted to go back to his ex, his ex rejected him and he reached his breaking point with a "friend".
Elisa ended up became his emotional support as he was not open to people. While she felt certain about her feelings, she kept having to say that he weren't rebounding onto her, which wasn't necessary, but she preferred to make things clear. She really wanted to keep her distance from him, but the fact that he was hurting, she felt that she really wanted to care for him, but there was only so much she could do.
Now she found her heart being very open and becoming too attached to people too quickly. Maybe that's because she had been so lonely and just wanted to have a connection with anyone.
She just had to dial back a bit. But she cares too much, and it felt nice when she was talking again with people she's close with, laughing and doing things.
So quality over quantity was what she had to keep in mind.
She thought that she needed to take a break from checking social media (Facebook) to get better.
7.10 - Feeling Down Again (New Year 2013)
Starting from the last week of December 2012, she started to feel down again. It seemed that her depression was setting into her once again. She thought that she might just be tired from work.
Her cellphone was "misplaced", what she meant might not be clear. She gave a tip to never ever work in a shoe store and especially if the store is selling ladies shoes.
Life tip #1820
Never EVER work in a shoe store and especially if it’s ladies shoes.
Run far far far away and hope you never need to stoop so low you have to sell shoes.
Men’s shoes are OK.
- L.L., source
Eventually, she started to have a jumble of emotions and she was having difficulty calming herself down. She thought it was most likely due to some reasons: she had not had proper sleep for a while, only five to six hours at most and later in the days she tried to catch another two to three hours of interrupted rest at best; she was working at a retail and have to deal with obnoxious people; she kept losing things; communication and technology fallacies.
She was also feeling alone and lonely. Maybe that was the main reason. It was not an uncommon feeling, not especially when she had felt this for a long time, and should had been used to it. But she was not taking it really well. Perhaps it was her breakup finally manifesting itself into her feelings and it was settled in reality that she was alone once again. She wished that she had time and patience to settle down and just read a book, like she had bought so many of them from Toronto.
"If I just could get a decent night's sleep", she wondered.
Hollow, just very very hollow at the moment
a t.s. eliot hollow woman
I'm suffocated by loneliness at the moment
- L.L., source
Come new year 2013, in contrast with 2012, depression seemed to be really hitting her.
Since 2013 I have accomplished one thing:
sleep for 40 hours
- L.L., source
It is unknown how she celebrated her new year of 2013. She began to sleep for an extended period of time.
After a few days of low mood, she believed that she was having that delayed breakup meltdown. Hais, rough days. It had sunk in how lonely she was. She also wondered: why people go out on the weekends, to the lit up downtown buildings, to clubs with loud music, and to drink drink drink, just so for a moment that they can feel less lonely. She didn't get why everyone [people in general, including herself; this is now us, for this context] couldn't just be enough for themselves. That question… maybe we're just half a person until we meet our counterparts. Until then, we have to walk around in this state of longing and thinking "Oh, he's/she's out there" or something like that.
She thought that in December she did just that; she talked to anyone and everyone hoping for a person she could depend on. But no one wanted to have someone else's problems thrust upon them and be expected to hold them up. She got why; we're selfish people; we have our own issues to deal with. How can one possibly take on someone else's? When people left high school and they're busy trying to become "accomplished", what time do you have except for shallow infrequent bursts of conversations with an acquaintance?
It seemed that people made their packs so early in life and after that they build up defenses so no outsiders can get in.
She just wanted a friend.
No.
She wanted more.
She wanted a group of friends.
Sometimes those feelings just hurt a lot. They became overwhelming.
Roughly 13 hours later, she felt that there was no explanations to her feelings anymore; no cause to point and blame. It seemed to just take over. She was helpless.
7.10.1 - Anger Issues
Elisa felt really unpleasant, with the depression setting in. But she still had to go to work; she had to earn enough… for an upcoming trip that she wanted to take, as she did not have any courses for the first quarter (?) of 2013.
When she worked, she started to become short-tempered and starting to snap at people, out of frustration. She realised that she herself was becoming problematic.
I really need to be removed from society before my big mouth gets me in trouble and I get beaten up.
- L.L., source
She felt that even the tiniest things would set her off, making her snap at people out of frustration. She felt like when she was trying to speak English at them, it was as though people thought she was speaking Hungarian. It was upsetting for her to find out that if she care enough for a person and see them in need, they didn't need her help, and they got angry if she tried to help. It seemed that having depression meant that she had lost her ability to even help someone else in trouble. She really didn't want to end up being bitter and resentful, angry at everyone.
"Why do we think we know everything when you’re just 14? Why do you stop growing when you turn 25?", she thought.
"Tumblr, why have you made me notice every single miniscule detail and therefore so much more judgmental?"
7.10.2 - Racial Stereotypes
[This sub-section was an adaptation of her Tumblr post]
She felt that her main faults were that she talk too much. She had a naturally loud voice, and she had no filter.
"Outspoken, rude, blunt, arrogant, judgmental et cetera(etc) etc you know all the bad stuff a jerk is", she was judging herself.
She was fine if she did not open her mouth but as soon as she did and started talking, she could get into trouble because people heard what she said out of context and immediately got offended. She got stuck looking like an asshole and hopelessly trying to explain herself to an already offended person who thought she was racist.
The problem is: I am not narrow-minded towards other cultures or lifestyles or whatever because I know we’re all bloody humans
but at the same time
I understand that nationalities, citizenship, culture, family all those things are important part of what makes up a person’s identity
and shapes what kind of person they are and their habits.
Which is why I make conclusions about people based on where they grew up.
- L.L., source
Yeah, it was a generalisation. She knew it always depends. She frankly didn't care whether or not she fit racial stereotypes. She understood exactly why those people were upset to hear those stereotypes and some person not from "their country" suddenly sprouting about "how you people act".
Unfortunately, since "you white people" didn't want to discuss race and culture openly, they immediately shut down the conversation and thought she was being one of those overzealous super-critical and self-righteous who went to rallies carrying signs like Obama was Hitler because she apparently insulted something that was very close and special to them.
But what she was doing all along, or so she thought, was paying them the compliment of what people from "their country" did better than "her country". Was observing differences and stating them to be so terribly punished? She wondered how many more years did she had to wait before all the stupid people die off so that she can live in a more tolerant society. Each country raises a different society and there's always going to be positives and negatives. She did not bring them up to rub them in their face that they sucked.
Oh shit.
She respected differences and like… there's diversity. Otherwise, America would take over the world and
No,
Let's not be like America.
Damnit tumblr. Exposing me to all this knowledge and awareness has made me so much angrier and it’s so much harder to keep my mouth shut about things like this.
- L.L., source
She realised that she herself could be at fault too.
"My mouth is my downfall and it will get me in trouble."
She felt that she already did so many stupid things. She had trouble knowing where the boundaries were, and it seemed that she always made the worst possible mistakes at the worst possible moments, got caught and had to face consequences. The one time she was not thinking and did something stupid to cut corners.
The sort of behaviour, where she believed she was always in the right and knew how things should be done and should be done her way, was something that had rubbed off her ex-boyfriend. It was a terrible mentality that the male ego was so bloated that they believed they were always right and adamantly refused to admit publicly than they were wrong.
She felt that she took things too far. She had little self control and that was something she had to work on. She didn't tone it down when she met someone new. She ended up getting slapped with too much at once and that was not a very good way of introducing herself.
But she was also "bursting with self-esteem and confidence" and incredibly self-assured that her opinions was the right answer and in some messed up corner of her brain, she had became "a social justice fighter" who thought too highly of themselves and shouts louder to drown out people who disagree [Nathan Oakley eh?] or cut them off constantly. That was not a very good quality when she was working and had to deal with public.
Sigh
She was so self-confident with her opinions and yet at the same time, she was also critical and aware of her own faults.
What a mask, what an act, what a fraud, it was tiring to work with people.
Wow
It was really bad when her brain worked overdrive.
7.11 - Interested in a guy
Elisa got interested in a guy, and she had liked him after meeting with him for two times. She thought that she might had scared him with her body language (?).
She have the feeling, the urge, to talk to him a lot and just freak over and say
"Hi, I like you! Can we make out and hold hands?"
But she was fairly certain that would make him turn tail and run. Instead she just had to play it cool and message him every now and then. But the problem was that she might have been to Impulsive and too quick to jump into conclusions when she decided to like him after her second meeting. But there was just so many things about him just made him felt… you know, very very very right (She won't use the word 'perfect').
He played the double bass. He wore bowties and suspenders. He played Left 4 Dead. He also had an adorable smile. And since he was a musician, she felt he had a tormented soul and she felt that girls would go nuts for that.
But, as sad romantic movies told her, it didn't matter.
perfect person + wrong place + wrong time = HAHAHAH SUCKER
- L.L., source
It is unknown if she met her at work, either as workmate [unlikely] or a regular customer, or crossed paths everyday. It is clear in some way that she met with him on a regular basis.
Four days later, she noticed that he got a tattoo on his left wrist. Somehow, she also coincidentally contemplated for a tattoo of her own on her left wrist as well. She also considered one on the back of her neck, but she thought how she was going to be able to sleep after the tattoo job. She also wrote "HUBRIS" [possibly his name?] on her left wrist the day before and traces of her writing was still on her wrist. She had no idea about the full significance of his tattoo but she kind of had the idea behind it.
Just….sigh damnit you boy thing of a person
Why does learning more about you make me like you more…..
#in this week's installment of FAZES OF MY LIFE
- L.L., source
But come next day, she believed that he rejected him. He said nothing. But she did not take it really well. She tried to reassure herself that she was going to be okay, and also that whatever she was doing was not going to work. He had worked out some things but he was handling it a different way.
Maybe she and her crush were different people, but for just a five-day moment they are similar. It was just her acting out.
She wanted to go home, but she was out and she had to act like the "rejection" did not affect her at all.
7.12 - "Things I have noticed" [Quoted]
Things I have noticed
- If you dislike someone initially, it’s because they are the things you hate most about yourself (hate) or you wish you were them (envy)
- If someone copies you, it means they admire you and they can recognise originality
- If you like something someone is wearing, they got it from years ago and from somewhere else….meaning in 3 years you’ll see it everywhere
- If something is on clearance and you love it and haven’t been able to find it anywhere else, you buy 3 of them
- It’s important to know people who are 5, 17, 24, 28, 41, 65 and 80 years old because they are the ones you will talk to for hours
- If you have big feet or wear XL, buy things on sale. Your size will always be available and you can get away with wearing men's and children's clothing (which is cheaper)
- Being happy means finding a job where you love your coworkers
- If you’re a young girl and an older attractive man notices you and is chatting you up, he wants to have sex with you. It really is that simple and sad
- To avoid the friendzone, you must be upfront and honest about your intentions. Girls, tell them immediately you think of them as a brother and guys, look at her in the eyes and tell her she’s beautiful
- If you just listen, you will understand more. People who ask the right questions are great listeners.
- The people who understand life and can talk to earnestly are those who grew up with little money or too much of it. The children of cleaning ladies or businessmen.
- The people you should never trust are those born beautiful, vain and poor
- Judge people based on where they grew up, not how they look
- Canadians are awesome by default
8 - California
Since she did not have any classes for the first quarter (?) of 2013, she decided to use this time to travel to California. She had been working hard for the past month and she was hoping to earn enough to enjoy a trip to California.
The involvement of WWOOF in this trip as she seemed to suggest is unknown, but it was very unlikely that the organisation would be involved.
She also wished to participate in an adult course in Computer Science Programming in UCSC, but later thought that she could learn somewhere near to her hometown.
8.1 - Planning
In early January 2013, she had planned for quite a few stops in California, and in a similar fashion to her trip to Ontario, she also opened herself up for meet-ups with people who knew her on the internet in those locations. It was assumed that her "meet-up applications" was to leave her an ask on her Tumblr.
She also asked people on Tumblr what to do in the various stops in California, similar fashion as her Ontario trip.
Next leg of my whirlwind adventure: the West Coast
Meet-up applications now accepted for Vancouver, San Diego, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, San Luis Opispo, Santa Cruz, San Jose and San Francisco.
SUGGESTIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS HIGHLY HIGHLY APPRECIATED AND NEEDED!!!!
|
| A "subway-inspired" map of her planned progression on the trip. Not an accurate representation of the real distances and locations of the destinations. |
The next day, she booked flights for the first two destinations for her trip. She intended to tour around Vancouver from 18th to 22nd of January 2013, followed by San Diego from 22nd to 27th January. She then said that the rest of the trip would be decided later.
and the rest is to be written…
However, after almost a week of planning, she decided that she would not stop at some of the locations, due to certain constrains [possibly time / budget]. She would just stop at San Diego, Los Angeles, Santa Cruz and San Francisco instead. She really wanted to stop at San Luis Obispo but well… she'll see if she could squeeze it in. She assured people that she would still be open for meet-ups and also open for suggestions for things to do there.
Progression of #caliblah trip
Vancouver → San Diego → Los Angeles → Santa Cruz → San Francisco → Vancouver
 |
| A "subway-inspired" map of her progression on the trip. Not an accurate representation of the real distances and locations of the destinations. |
8.2 - Self Realisation (Bon Voyage Soiree)
Two days before she set off for her trip in California, she had a gathering with her elementary and high school friends at her house. She was exhausted from preparing for this gathering, especially after the awful things about people she had to deal with for the past four days.
But I am so very full of…I suppose the term would be, as Dumblydore [Dumbledore?] says, love
She realised that, despite her friends being busy and going off doing great things, they still cared for her. This was really heartwarming to think about, as she had always believed that her friends did not want her to interrupt their busy lives, and would not have the time, energy and willingness to help her. She was not that lonely and left out after all.
For the past year, she had always thought that she had nothing to offer for the world, nothing positive that she could find about herself.
But today she realised that she was not just a "profession depressed person". She was so much more than that. She realised that she did have amazing and beautiful things in her life. Her friends are the reminders of the fact that she was more than what she had thought, especially for the past year. They are also reminders that she was very lucky.
This was one of the special moments when she felt loved, and that she was with the people she loved. Life was long and difficult, with people always be stupid and complain. It was these special moments that make life worth living for. There would be lots of moments like those in the future, and there had been a lot of those in the past too. So what if everything was awful and all the plans had went to hell? If she asked for help, someone might even be willing to spare a hand.
Thank you friends, family and tumblr. The world is just awesome. Boom de ah dah.
//emotional cheese clichés over now. I have shit to do. Will have to catch up on inauguration later
- L.L., source
8.3 - Missed a Connecting Flight
Elisa booked a connecting flight with United Airlines that transited through another airport to San Diego. However, when she reached the transit airport, she could not find her way around the airport and end up missing her scheduled connection to San Diego.
Since she was now stuck in a Transit Area, she decided, just like in Ottawa, to sleep through the night at the airport.
She found this airport to me so much more comfortable than the airport in Ottawa. United Airlines was kind enough to provide her blankets. There were also free Wi-Fi at the airport that she could surf the internet with.
Oh well, it could be worse.
and I can pretend I’m Tom Hanks in the Terminal (not at all similar but SURELY if a fictional character in a movie can live in an airport than so can I)
The movie did not mention that vacuum cleaners are really loud
- L.L., source
Even though she had a little mishap, she did not get too upset, if at all. She was somehow feeling a bit excited and felt that this trip was quite a good start.
It was STARTING OUT GOOD!!
8.4 - San Diego
It is unknown when exactly did she get a replacement flight and reached San Diego. But on the 24th of January 2013, she mostly slept, took a long shower, and went out stuffing herself with a $3 dinner. She found the day to be productive and enjoyable. She found the hostel she was staying in very comfortable and nice. She felt that she had not done anything that was out of her usual routine at home.
She also found herself doing reckless things every now and then. One of the things she did was to tell a guy she just met that she liked him…
She did enjoy watching people walking outside from her hostel. But now she felt rested, she should be going out more the next day. She planned to go to four places: The Seaworld, The San Diego Zoo, a Museum and going whale watching at Coronado/Point Loma.
She went to San Diego Zoo the next day, and posted pictures on her Facebook. [Her Facebook profile was 'privatized', which meant one could not search her profile up, but have access to her Facebook friends' account to find hers.] Whether she went to any other destinations is unknown.
8.5 - Los Angeles
Elisa were set to leave for Los Angeles on the 27th of January 2013. However, reports had shown that she arrived Los Angeles a day earlier on the 26th. Unlike for her Ontario trip, she did not document much about her time in San Diego. It is also unknown if she had her plans changed somewhere in her trip, and where she was staying at this time. She only spent two to three days in San Diego.
She travelled to Los Angeles via Amtrak and intercity buses.
8.5.1 - The hidden Speakeasy
That night, she was intending to head to The Varnish in Downtown Los Angeles. The Varnish had a hidden Speakeasy bar that serves craft cocktails. The bar had no advertisements and she would have to know about its existence. either from one of her friends or from the people she met. It might also be that she got this suggestion from her Tumblr acquaintances.
It was not her first time going out late drinking. In fact she did so slightly over a month ago. That time she went to the club with her trustworthy guy friends, and was thankful that they drove away some of the people that she felt uncomfortable with.
This time, she was heading there, presumably by herself. She was looking forward to see the beautiful décor or the place, as well as to listen to some live jazz. But she was starting to feel really uneasy. She really hoped that no people would be after her. She don't know if she would be sought after by the guys at the bar, or being stalked by guys when she walk back home.
She felt that the Italian and the Mexican guys would go after her persistently. She felt that the moment she started to move towards them by the slightest and they would relentlessly express their desire to dance / go with her. But she felt that it would not be too bad.
While she was at the hidden Speakeasy bar she lost a cell phone. The phone was an old blackberry that she had "borrowed" from one of her guy friends, which he said that he didn't want it anymore, and kind of gave it to her. Apparently, she felt that the losing of cellphone was the only bad thing during her visit to the Speakeasy bar. She enjoyed her time and felt that it was awesome.
8.5.2 - Orange-Blue Themed Hostel
The next day, she moved to another hostel. Like in Toronto, she booked a shared room with a couple of roommates. The hostel looked really classy on the outside, but the inside was quite modern. The hostel was pretty much branded in bright orange and light blue, which happened to be her favourite colour combination.
She noticed the huge building right next to her hostel, calling it a "monstrosity". She later said that she meant that the building was gaudy, a bit too over bright and tasteless. But then, the building was built in 1928, hence the theme is very classy. Since its was in Los Angeles, she felt that it would feel more… insane.
I have arrived in Laland…
and there is a monstrosity of a building next to the place I’m staying
when I say monstrosity mind you I’m saying as in gaudy
but then again it was built in 1928 hence the art deco theme so yes it IS classy but then since it’s LA it went on crack
Fairly certain this is where Baz Lurhmann needs to film the Great Gatsby
What is your opinion on such matters?
She felt that the sunny weather in Los Angeles was really nice.
8.5.3 - Burbank Concert
Elisa went to Burbank to participate in a live show. She was really excited for the show. The show had a live audience and was also filmed as a production. However, she was starting to behave very strangely. She started to get up to the stage and tried to give a letter to the show's host. This immediately prompted the security to take action. She insisted that the letter had to be given to the host, but the security had decided that she would be a risk if she continued to be there. They eventually had to take her off the show, and escorted her out.
8.5.4 - Locking Roommates Out
As time went on, possibly hurt by being forced out of the concert, she was getting more and more erratic. She started to write notes for her roommates, left them on their beds, trying to tell them to go away and go back home. When she was alone in the room, with extreme feelings of [frustration?], she decided to lock the room of the hostel she was staying in. When her roommates return to the hostel, they found themselves unable to enter their room. When they pleaded Elisa to open the door for them, she started to challenge them for a password. They did not know of any passwords, nor did they remember Elisa mentioning anything about a password. They eventually complained to the manager of the hostel and eventually got the door opened.
8.5.5 - Lobby Tantrum
The interactions between the manager and Elisa was not known. But the manager found her to be really disruptive for her roommates. She was, for the first time, being considered an inconvenience for the roommates while travelling. It was not a nice feeling.
She was relocated to another room, where she would stay by herself.
Maybe it was better for herself to be alone for a while. But…
No
She was not happy that this is happening. It was never like this.
She got quite upset, and decided to throw another tantrum.
She went down to the lobby of her hostel, and started to make funny movements. It was like, since the manager moved her because she was apparently 'crazy', she felt the urge to "show" people, especially the manager, what would be, as she consider, crazy, in order to sort of "taunt" them.
She was opening her arms up in the air, and started to shout in the lobby.
"I'M CRAZY!!"
"BUT SO IS LA!"
It is unknown how the manager responded to that, but they apparently had seen many people doing weird and insane things in the hostel, and around on the streets. The manager felt that they should not be involved and get into trouble or danger, and decided to leave her be.
She never reflected or journaled upon this on her Tumblr.
8.5.6 - The Last Bookstore
One of the absolute essentials for her trip was to shop for books. She did so on her trip to Ottawa and Toronto, the latter is where a [temporary?] friend introduced her to many bookstores with discounted books. On 31st of January, 2013, she decided to visit the largest bookstore in California, The Last Bookstore. After the "nightmare" of the previous day, it seemed to be a place where she could let herself to be at peace.
While she was there, she was aggressively asking random people questions, later recommendations and suggestions about what kind of books she should get, and the places that she should visit. While people found it a bit overwhelming that she was so open, they also found her to be quite memorable. She seemed to be wanting to connect with someone in Los Angeles, perhaps to make a friend, especially when she was alone at the hostel now.
She eventually, like in Ottawa and Toronto, purchased tons of books. Eventually the amount of books she bought got so much that she started to get concerned about whether she could even carry the amount of books that she bought along the trip, as well as back home. She also considered on whether she should ship the books back home instead, specifically to her sister.
Not all the books she bought was for herself. She also intended to have some as gifts for her friends. The bookstore also sell a bunch of Vinyl records. She also bought some records, possibly to send some of them as special gifts.
Oh my, she bought quite an amount of books.
She now needed someone to help to deliver her books to the hostel.
8.6 - Restricted Area
That [late?] evening, the employees who were working for the night shift at the hostel found Elisa wandering about in a restricted area where no guests were supposed to enter. They eventually asked her [kindly?] to leave the area. She did not resist anyone, but simply walked away. She walked towards the lobby of the hostel.
The manner of how she was acting, or how she was walking, is unknown.
This would be the last time anyone would see her… in person.
8.7 - Missing
Throughout her trip, Elisa had never failed to contact with her parents. Despite the drama that had happened the day before, she told her family that she was fine.
However, on this evening, she did not make any attempt to contact her family. Her family tried to contact her multiple times, but there were no response from her.
The following day, her parents called the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) to report her missing. Her parents and her sister then booked a flight to Los Angeles to search for her.
She was supposed to check out that day, and when she was not found to be in her room, the manager decided to get all her belongings in her room removed and kept for a month. An employee when performing the cleanup found the room to be messy.
One of the guests in the hostel had heard a “tremendous” racket from the floor above where he was staying. He was staying on the third floor.
The LAPD went into her hostel, and spent the following days searched the entire building. They searched her room, other rooms, the corridors, elevators, lobbies and restricted areas in the hostel, including the roof area. The LAPD also had a search dog to help track her scent. The dog managed to trace her scent from her room along the corridor. It eventually led the police to a window facing the street. Outside of the window is a fire escape, that stretched all the way from the roof to the ground. The LAPD had tried to search the roof area with search dogs and a spotlight, but could not find her. She did not appear to be in her hostel.
Six days after her disappearance, the LAPD held a press conference to plead the public for help. Thinking that she might be lost around the city, her worried family decided to have the LAPD to get her photograph out and around the city, hoping that someone would be able to find her. The LAPD also had all of her belongings, and while they were investigating her belongings and her social media, they did not want to talk about it.
It was her first time going missing while travelling by herself, but her mental state might be a concern, especially when she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
The LAPD also spent many days watching all the surveillance footages that are available in her hostel, in the hopes to track her movement in the hostel, if she was in it. They managed to find her going into her hostel, but it seemed that she had never left the hostel.
She seemed to have disappeared in her hostel.
8.8 - The Cecil Hotel
The place Elisa was staying was known as the Cecil Hotel. It was rebranded in 2011 to the Stay on Main [only parts of the hotel were rebranded] in an attempt to disconnect the hotel from its dark past.
The Cecil Hotel was constructed during the economic boom in Los Angeles, in the year of 1924. It took off for five years before being affected by The Great Depression. It had 19 floors and over 700 rooms. It was meant to be a budget hotel for businessmen who travelled there. After the economic disaster, it was doing fine, but as the amount of homeless people in Skid Row, the area The Cecil Hotel was (is) in, the Cecil Hotel became a much less safe place.
People started to fight, and also committed suicide, by overdosing or jumping off, and also committed murder. It was even the long term residence for two infamous serial killers, Richard Ramirez, known as the "Night Stalker", and Jack Unterweger. They eventually got arrested.
8.9 - A Disturbing Footage
The hotel did not seem to have many surveillance cameras around the building. While the LAPD was investigating the footages, they managed to find a footage of her that was recorded after she was last seen by anyone. That footage was filmed by the surveillance camera in the left elevator of the building, showing her entering the elevator.
The public plea of finding her did not result in any leads. The LAPD decided to release the footage to the public in hopes of finding anyone who might recognise her in the hotel to give some information.
It is generally unsettling to view a footage of someone or taken by someone after they went missing, as the circumstances that led up to them being missing are usually disturbing.
A Los Angeles Weekly reporter, Dennis Romero, decided to upload the footage on YouTube on the same day the police released the footage. Over the next couple of days, this footage blew up in the social media world.
The footage began with the elevator door opening, and Elisa walked in in a fairly normal manner. Once she entered the elevator, she bent down and looked closely at the lift buttons, and started to press the middle column of buttons from top to bottom. The last button she pressed in this sequence was the "Door Hold", and as soon as she pressed that, the elevator door, which was about to shut, rolled back and stayed open. She then stood up and stood at a corner, facing the door.
After a while, she then inched forward, and then bent forward, sticking her head out of the elevator in a sudden motion, taking a glance of the walk ways, then immediately standing upright inside the elevator. She would also held her hands in front of her and her hands would stay in that position until she stepped out of the elevator — (1). She then placed her back against the right wall (facing out) of the elevator, then slid to the corner nearest to the buttons, looking at the door with a rather nervous expression. She then took a step forward, took a glance outside, then turned her body to face the door.
She slowly inched towards the door, looking towards the right side of the walkway, with her feet still inside the elevator. She then looked to her left and took a step with her right foot. She then did a hop out of the elevator, and started to take a lateral step to her left, and a step back into the elevator. She took a step back out of the elevator again and another lateral step to her left. She went out of view for a moment before her right arm appeared in the footage again.
She was facing a guest's room (not the door).
She relaxed her hands, which had been held in the position since (1). She then raised both her hands and placed them on her head for a while. Afterwards, she quickly re-entered the elevator, released both of her hands and held both sides of the door. She bent down towards the buttons again and pressed the middle column of buttons from top to bottom three times. She then stood up, and walked out of the elevator, tidying up her hair in the process. She then stepped on the left side of the elevator, with her arms raised, possibly brought close to her body.
She then turned around to her right, with her right arm folded inwards, with her right palm facing her front, and her left palm were placed at her right arm elbow's level, with palm facing up. She then followed with the following series of movements.
- moved her left hand towards the left
- rotated her right hand, palm facing front to facing downwards
- flipped her left hand, palm facing downwards
- swept her right hand on her right three times
- partial-swept once with her right hand and then brought her right hand up.
- did a 'twist' movement with both of her hands
She then turned about 45°, facing the middle southbound corridor, moved both hands to her left and possibly doing other movements with her hands. While she was doing the movement, she bent her knees for a short while. She then moved both hands to her right and her right hand seemed to be squeezing or twisting her left hand, while bending her knees for a short while. She would repeat or do something similar for another two times.
She relaxed her hands and stood, facing the middle corridor for a while. Then she would raise her (right) hand(s), possibly placing it on her head. She then took a step towards the guest room wall and turned left, leaving the view of the surveillance camera.
After about a minute or two, the footage cut to the elevator door closing, for the first time in the footage, and the elevator then travelled to the floors that she had pressed.
Police would usually only release information that they deem safe to be disclosed to the public. Usually the video or audio recording released to the public would not be the full recording, as people only need it to help police to identify who or what was in the video or audio, not for anyone to help 'investigate'.
The internet sleuths who went to 'investigate' had stumbled upon Elisa's social media. When they read her blog posts, they were touched by the writings by her, and found out how nice of a person she was, how she struggled through depression, and how she had a strong determination to outwit her mental illness and closer to her disappearance she got better and more independent. Her writings made them feel like they knew her, and to hope strongly that she would turn out alive. They felt that they should do everything that they could do in their power to increase her chance of her being found alive.
As this video blew up on the internet, many internet sleuths would look and analyse the footage, and also come up with their theories about what happened. People also noticed that the timestamp was being muddled out and the video was cut at one point, and suspected the LAPD or even the hotel for covering up possible murder.LAPD re-assured everyone that there were nothing suspicious about the original video.
8.10 - The Final Manic Episode
[Working on it...]
As pointed in Chapter 4.7, Elisa had moments of psychotic episodes where she would be incredibly paranoid and tried to hide in places. She had went missing once before, and was also hospitalised once before because of her psychosis.
At first, her family tried to withhold the fact that she had a rather serious bipolar disorder to the LAPD. However, when they eventually found out about her conditions [perhaps through her social media?], they were not very happy about it, claiming that it could hamper their investigations.
After months of investigations, LAPD also found out that she had also undertook her medications, specifically her mood stabilisers. She continued to take her anti-depression medications.
It was not her first time "going off-meds", her sister had said that she had done so before. Unfortunately, once she had not taken her anti-psychotic medications but continued to take her anti-depressants, her risk of going into a manic episode would spike.
Officially, it was believed that she started to have a manic episode that evening. She might have been delusional and paranoid, trying to hide from something that she heard.
[The rest of this section is purely speculation]
She was [likely (the following are speculations)] having racing thoughts in her head, and also having auditory hallucinations. She was wandering around, trying to relieve her mind off these racing thoughts.
They eventually got so unbearable that she had to do things to relieve her mind. She might have tried to walk them off. When she entered the elevator, she might have pressed the buttons on impulse, driven by her racing thoughts. When the door did not close, it might have freaked her out. Scared that someone / something might be holding the door, she decided to do a quick peek. She quickly stepped back, and moved to the side, looking at the door for any possible threat. She carefully threaded out, back in and out again. In an effort to 'mitigate' her racing thoughts, she placed her hands on her head.
[……]
Her having a manic / psychotic episode during this footage was (is) the most likely cause of her odd behaviour, as there are no signs of any internal or external injuries found on her.
8.11 - Funny Tasting Water
It had been more than one week since Elisa was last heard. While her family were still worried, looking for possible signs of her, the LAPD had de-prioritised the investigation of Elisa's disappearance. They had a urgent threat to deal with.
Meanwhile, for the next five days, guests who were staying at the hotel noticed something odd about their taps. The water pressure was lower than what would be considered as usual. When there was sufficient water pressure, the water appeared to be very dark, with some guests also described it as black.
Despite the odd looking water, the guests continued to use the tap water for their daily washing routines, brushing their teeth, washing and showering using that water. Some even drank the water, claiming that the water had a funny taste. A British guest described her experience with the water, saying that when she turned the tap on, the water was coming black for the first two seconds, and after that it went back to normal. When she drank the "normal" water, she thought it had a sweaty, funny, foul taste. It was just awful. They thought that the water was just not as clean as that in Britain, and so they thought just boiling it and make coffee with it would be fine.
8.12 - A Tragic Discovery
On day 19 of Elisa's disappearance, a 24-hour maintenance worker decided to check the water cisterns, located on the roof of the hotel, to see if there are any blockages in the system.
However, when he checked one of the water tanks, he made a disturbing discovery.
A naked female body was seen floating face-up in the water tank. There are some clothing that had sank to the bottom of the tank. The worker recognised the face as the missing Canadian tourist that the LAPD was searching for the past two weeks. He told the hotel manager, and she was shocked to find out the fact that the missing person had been in the drinking water of the hotel for quite a long time, undiscovered.
Once authorities was called in, there were a lot of police members working on the scene of the deceased. The police had to drain the tank, and cut an access point in order to remove the body.
The discovery of the body shocked everyone who were into her disappearance. The LAPD did not expect to find her in a water tank.
People who were staying in the hotel were disgusted by the fact that there had been a dead body for several days, contaminating the water that they used to clean and drink. The British guest, along with her husband, were being held at the lobby to sign an agreement to not disclose what had happened to the hotel, before they were allowed to get their belongings. When they found out about the discovery of the body, they were sick to the stomach, quite literally, especially when they had drank the water. The guest described that she felt unclean, and that she wanted to drink 12 bottles of water to flush it out of her system.
The internet sleuths who 'desperately' wished that she would turn out alive was deeply saddened when they had heard about death. One even said that it felt like he just lost a friend, or someone who he cared for, despite not even meeting her physically before.
9 - A Sad End
9.1 - Funeral
On 6th of March 2013, a funeral was held in Vancouver for Elisa Lam. The Funeral was attended by about 50 - 60 Chinese people, and three Hispanic people. A large screen played through the photographs of Elisa's happy life. Different people came up to her coffin and photograph to solemnly bow out of respect, and to express their deeply felt sorrows and regrets. The whole funeral was solemn, as a young woman, who had her entire life ahead of her, had needlessly died under very strange and bizarre circumstances.
Elisa was buried in Forest Lawn Funeral Home. Her grave is located in the west side of the cemetery. [Her specific location shall not be disclosed here, for now] Her gravestone is a "flush-to-the-ground" gravestone. It consists of a tablet with a inscription of her portrait, and had Chinese characters. The first two on the top left was 愛女, meaning "[Our] Beloved daughter" [Note that pronoun is implied from context]. The center was inscribed with her name in Chinese Characters, 藍可兒, followed by her western name "Elisa Lam" below.
Following was a quote inscribed on her gravestone:
Our lives disconnect and reconnect, we move on, and later we may again touch one another, again bounce away. This is the felt shape of a human life, neither simply linear nor wholly disjunctive nor endlessly bifurcating, but rather this bouncey-castle sequence of bumpings-into and tumblings-apart.
- Salman Rushdie, source
10 - ????? ??? ????? (Tentative Title)
[This chapter is still being written]
Elisa was a very intelligent, thoughtful and creative person.
Elisa had a very typical college student life. She was an introvert and do not usually have a large number of friends. Her friendship for her early high school years were unknown but as time goes on, she only kept the friendship that she believed to be worth keeping. She mostly enjoyed spending time alone, albeit having difficult thoughts and unpleasant feelings of apathy and loneliness. She loved to read, and she was a great fan of The Great Gatsby and Harry Potter.
Throughout her life journey, despite her mental illness affected her significantly, she continued to strive to be the best that she can be. She always tried to find ways to make herself better, by seeking treatment, consultation and even ECT. She was very open to people who were close to her about her thoughts, and also on the Internet, with her Blogspot and Tumblr blogs. As time went on, despite the mess her mental illness got herself into, and the fact that she missed certain appointments, Elisa was determined that she could handle herself and her life.
She was also determined to pursue her interest to travel and see new places (probably by herself). She got a job for retail and worked hard to earn herself some money so that she could cover her travel expenditures by her own.
Appendix A - More about herself
Would you care to know more about me?
Of course!
I like hydrangeas. I like orange and blue.
I have two Mr. Potato Heads: Darth Tatar and Spider Spud.
I have read the Twilight series. I can safely say I have realised it is quite horribly written but I did buy the Twilight book in French to try and practice. It is called Fascination, no joke.
I find these shoes to be the most godawful creations and priced ridiculously high.
My favourite joke is this: If I was an enzyme I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
If I had a badjillion dollars I would buy this (that is if I can find it), this and this.
I can listen to this [deleted], this [private video], and this forever.
And I have a mild addiction to San Pellegrino.
#I also hate smokers #especially the ones who smoke outside doors and bus stops
- L.L., source
Annex A - Formspring Q&As
Elisa regularly had nights that she could not sleep. During her insomniac nights, she encouraged people on the internet looking at her Tumblr to ask some personal questions.
Only day two of this school term and already I’ve returned to my insomniac ways.
- L.L., source
All of the questions below were answered by L.L. The askers are generally anonymous. The information for those who are not are not known, as formspring no longer exists, so it would be difficult to get information about them.
Question
Who's your favorite superhero?
L.L.'s Answer
Spiderman
Question
Who is your favorite singer?
L.L.'s Answer
Regina Spektor
Question
where do you work?
L.L.'s Answer
Just got hired to work during the holiday season at a department store
Question
Favourite fashion blogs/tumblrs?
L.L.'s Answer
Too many
Thank you to the wonderful tumblrs I follow and that never fail to deliver an endless stream of inspiration and awesomeness.
And to think I once thought tumblr was silly. Oh naive me….
Currently I follow about 400+ tumblrs which is insane trying to keep up. Here are just some that I love to bits and pieces.
The kickass Hilary of hilside and Ferry of lifeonsundays
vineetkaur for all things beautifully designed
vendemiaire has a tumblr that my friend Roy G. Biv approves of
Remmy made a triumphant return to tumblr
rememo for the intelligent quotes and admiration of science
my best to theotherway who runs the kid’s a looker and heart in a cage
the lovely ladies in pantalons at wearing the pants
the calmness of woodflour + saudade
gensdumonde, halcyon + theepitomeofquiet for stylish inspiration
canadian problems for the lulz and making you all wish you were Canadian
ballet-flats for beautiful editorials
interwar reminds me how fascinated I was about WWII when I was younger
680ml and thehungryarchitect are just perfect
ellephanta also runs Letters to Dead People
moldavia, cotonblanc, isoe + foudre you know why
and talkingtokafka I hope you return soon! You were the reason I started a tumblr =)
And of course there is more!
So merci to everyone I reblog and all who continue to prove how awesome the world is on tumblr. Nouvelle-nouveau wouldn’t be possible without you guys.
- L.L., source
Question
What are the qualities you look for in a woman and a man?
L.L.'s Answer
A sense of humour. Don't be a douche. That's....about it?
Question
Do you like wearing vintage?
L.L.'s Answer
I don't own a lot of vintage but I do wear a few things my mom wore in the 80s.
Question
Are you a morning or night person?
L.L.'s Answer
Night owl
Question
Your dream career?
L.L.'s Answer
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Something that makes a difference in the world and where I don't have to pander to people.
Question
Favourite novel?
L.L.'s Answer
The Great Gatsby, Jane Eyre and Matilda
Question
How would you describe your personality?
L.L.'s Answer
This is a horrible question that should be answered by my close friends.
On my first day of work, a coworker thought I had ADD because I can be really energetic and random. Another person's first impression of me was loud and obnoxious which I know I can be.
I see myself as an optimist but a cynic first. I'm a fiercely loyal friend. I like to laugh but at horrible things like bad puns and black humour. I'm judgmental, hypocritical, uptight but not narrow-minded.
I think most people will find me way too energetic, without coffee. I have my moments of being an introvert.
Question
Do you like babies?
L.L.'s Answer
How can you not like babies?
However a guy at my high school had the penchant of making dead babies jokes. So what's worst than a dead baby nailed to a tree? Ten dead babies nailed to a tree. I am without morals
Question
What is the best present you’ve ever received?
L.L.'s Answer
I could go the awesome route or the sentimental one on this....
Things I get from my Dad are pretty important to me. He bought me my first expensive watch, a Baby-G and I remember having spasms because it was $70++ and my dad rarely buys anything for himself. I wore it until it turned from blue to yellow. Another gift was when I got a UTI and had to go to the hospital for IV antibiotics. Out of nowhere he gives me a handmade leaf plate saying they were selling for charity at the hospital. I teared up a bit.
The awesomest present I've received was probably a notebook made of elephant poop.
Question
What is your dream job?
L.L.'s Answer
Crazy cat lady
Question
What movie character do you think is the most like you?
L.L.'s Answer
I'm going to expand this to include TV and books. I see myself as a melange of Dori from Finding Nemo, Daria, Cher from Clueless, Juno, Lisa from the Simpsons, Matilda, Luna Lovegood and Britta, Annie and Shirley from Community.
But obviously being a woman in this modern age I have to pick a character from Sex and the City. Probably Miranda but didn't each character demonstrate one of the four temperaments of women so... there's probably a little Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie as well.
Question
Have you ever recommended a book to a friend?
L.L.'s Answer
Absolutely but I prefer it the other way around. My shining example of literary taste is when I goaded a friend into reading Twilight. So yes I read the Twilight series and at one point was very into it. I am amused that it was a guy friend that recommended it to me.
Question
and I know what you mean about the 23% brain function. I spent so much time just lying on the couch starring at the tv
L.L.'s Answer
Tumblr is better than TV. Usually it helps but not this time....
Question
thanks for responding : ) I follow you on tumblr so I have noticed people have been disappointing you. I can't really imagine what it must feel like because I didn't tell anyone or get help, but I can imagine its horrible. I hope you feel better soon!
L.L.'s Answer
Thank you
Question
What's your favorite store?
L.L.'s Answer
Whole Foods and Chapters
Question
re your post on depression. I was wondering if there is one distinct thing you feel is missing from your life? I know I’ve suffered from depression before, but I haven't had a bad relapse for several years. When I was depressed I felt a deep (cont) sense
L.L.'s Answer
Also, I'm glad you are doing better and I hope it continues.
Question
seem ungrateful. Do you feel like this?
L.L.'s Answer
I think it's pretty common to worry about appearing ungrateful and not "together." I can be told constantly that I shouldn't feel guilty but I do feel guilty for disappointing my parents.
I think part of it accepting of depression is that you need to accept you are allowed to be sad. If I were to check the standard list that indicates a good and happy, I'm living it. That's the thing, we look like I have it all but it takes so much energy to appear normal. I don't like people seeing me in this state and I worry a lot about having to explain my absences.
It makes having depression so much more frustrating because you don't really have a legitimate reason for your sadness. When people ask me why I'm sad and what's causing it I have no answer. Lately if someone asks I just say angrily that's part of being depressed. It's not as though people don't take it seriously but nobody knows how to handle someone going through depression and there is very little that they can do in terms of helping you. Everyone feels pretty helpless.
With my friends in particular, I think I have had depression for so long that I would have hoped the would have found a way to support me. It's just really hard to take when they have absolutely no response when I say I'm having a bad day. The whole of November so far has been the shittiest in my life and my friends are busy with school and so forth (understandable) but I don't think I ask to much if they could check in on me once in a while (a text message even) especially after I basically resorted them to tears telling them how disappointed I am in them.
I don't know if this made any sense. Part of going through relapse is brain function is at 23%
Question
sense of emptiness. Does it really bother you that people don’t take it seriously? I couldn’t even tell my parents how I was feeling for fear of disappointing them. I was scared of telling people because from the outside I had/have everything, and I would
L.L.'s Answer
…
Question
Do you like roller-coasters?
L.L.'s Answer
YES
I have wanted to go to 6 flags for so long
Question
Today is 11/11/11. How will you celebrate it?
L.L.'s Answer
With someone I care about and cares about me
Question
How old is too old for a teddy bear?
L.L.'s Answer
Never too old for one. I have a Spencer-size one on my bed.
Question
I just checked out Corduroy and the magazine's ambitions, quality, content and paper look just like the magazine which I'm the deputy editor at. You would love it, it will go international as of 2012!!
L.L.'s Answer
Fantastic! I can't wait until I see the finished product.
Question
What is your favorite Halloween costume?
L.L.'s Answer
Rubik's cube, clever "puns", lego men etc. To me, animals are boring. My friend posted a photo of a guy on the subway wearing a full on Chinese emperor garb. It was AWESOME
Question
Do you like to cook?
L.L.'s Answer
I prefer to bake but just the baking part, not the eating
Question
What musical instrument would you most like to be able to play?
L.L.'s Answer
Cello and drums!
Question
what are some of your dream fashion related purchases if money were no object?
L.L.'s Answer
Hmmm, this is like making a giant polyvore haha.
Every piece from every Erdem, Carven, Stella McCartney, A.P.C., Lanvin, Margaret Howell, Jil Sander, Ann Demeulemeester, Celine, Dries Van Noten and Christopher Kane collection; Museum worthy pieces from Elsa Schiaparelli, Madame Lanvin, Issey Miyake and Balenciaga; Charlotte Olympia, Nicholas Kirkwood, Brian Atwood and Marni shoes; a custom Saville Row suit; a lot of Alaia; a Rick Owens leather jacket and lastly a black leather Hermès Kelly with matte black hardware and an Alexander McQueen and Bottega Veneta clutch. I think some Commes des Garçons, Alexander McQueen, Vivienne Westwood, Hussein Chalayan and Martin Margiela pieces are spectacular and part of fashion history so I wouldn't mind those.
But I think it's a excessive to have so much clothes since I wouldn't be wearing it out of fear of damaging such delicate pieces. Clothing is meant to be worn or displayed in a museum so everyone can enjoy it.
I have little interest towards diamonds and baubles but I do like a good watch. A classic Cartier watch with leather straps and a rose gold Van Cleef & Arpels watch sounds perfect.
To be honest if i had the money I would get a Steinway grand piano and my dream kitchen. I think I will be saving from my first few paychecks to get my my shiny red Kitchenaid that I've wanted for years.
Question
Have you ever found money in the street?
L.L.'s Answer
No but my mom once found an envelope completely being ignored and stepped on by people. She picked it up and there was around $250 cash.
Question
what are your favourite websites for current events/news?
L.L.'s Answer
And when I am bored I sometimes amble over to The Atlantic and Canadian newspaper The Globe and Mail.
Wow this sounds like I read a lot.
Question
what are your favourite websites for current events/news?
L.L.'s Answer
I forgot to include fashion-related news
I turn to style.com, tumblr and Business of Fashion
Question
what are your favourite websites for current events/news?
L.L.'s Answer
BBC hands down. I check it daily.
A friend just pointed http://newsmap.jp/ to me today and I'm mesmerized by the colours.
http://www.themarknews.com/ is for Canada-related things.
I like the New York Times magazines but since they put a cap for only 20 free articles, I pretty much run out in a week.
For American-related things I rely on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report and Up with Chris Hayes. No joke but when The Daily Show and Colbert Report take a break, I weep and go slightly insane.
Question
how old are you?
L.L.'s Answer
I don't really want to reveal my age. I have left high school to give you an idea. Just assume I'm older than you
Question
is that your apc bag in the picture you posted?
L.L.'s Answer
I wish it was!
Question
L.L.'s Answer
I tend to think that a person's best subject is the one you actually look forward to doing the work. And that really depends on the teacher and I've been very lucky with teachers over the years. I guess math, biology and english.
Question
where do you live?
L.L.'s Answer
Canada
Question
who are your style icons? also I hope you manage to get some sleep :)
L.L.'s Answer
Doubtful but luckily there is a coffee shop that is open very early.
I don't have any icons per se but I definitely like Elisa Nalin and Yasmin Sewell. They always seems to be smiling.
Question
hi, I just want to say I love your tumblr and blog!! that outfit you posted today was really nice. You have fantastic taste : ) I was wondering, what do you 'do' or study?
L.L.'s Answer
Thank you. I study at university with no specific major yet
Question
L.L.'s Answer
education
Question
t okay. There’s a gaping hole in my chest. Have you lost someone close to you? I hope your ok : )
L.L.'s Answer
My dog was run over by a car. It's been really hard losing him. Thank you for your concern though
Annex B - Admission by artist for faking depression
In August of 2012, the artist who drew the comic "Pictures for Sad Children" had admitted that he/she (gender unknown) had pretended to be depressed in order to gain profit. A few months prior, John Campbell created a Kickstarter campaign to raise funds for making the print version of "Pictures for Sad Children". The goal was initially US$8000, but by May they managed to raise USD$51,616.
The artist had wrote a long post admitting and apologising about how he/she had pretended for having depression for profit. He/she found it difficult and tiring to fake depression. The biggest regret for him/her is for the "borderline people" (those who are not considered to have depressive disorder, but exhibits some [possibly temporary] symptoms that are related / similar to depression) who were convinced by the comic to believe that they are actually suffering from depression, rather than just feeling down for a period of time.
The artist felt that he/she is the first artist to admit to faking depression, and he/she believed that there are many artists also doing so, but they have not come clean.
The artist also stated that his/her comic can be read from a "depressed" and a "non-depressed" perspective. From the "non-depressed" perspective, each of his/her comics suggested and defended the notion that depression is not "real", but the culturally and socially enforced experience by language and the limits one place on his/her perceptions. This had angered some people, especially those who had the mental illness.
Below is the post
I'VE BEEN PRETENDING TO BE DEPRESSED FOR PROFIT AND I'M SORRY
It seemed hard at first to fake depression, due to the amount of energy involved. I could not do it for long. By the time I got comfortable with it I found it necessary to allow this deception to extend into my private life. I believed one or more stories of myself as "pretending to be depressed" could have distanced me from my chosen demographic.
My most prominent regret is not deceiving people and taking their money, and it's not helping depressed people perpetuate their negative thought loops via replication and display. I regret the borderline people, those who could identify the problems in their life, face them, and allow themselves to be changed, but instead found it necessary to conceive of themselves as "struggling with depression" rather than being genuinely held back emotionally by some nasty and real situation. Any work participating in the "culture of depression" has probably contributed to these sad and unnecessary cases.
I've done a lot of soul-searching and now believe it is my calling to be the first "artist" to admit to an audience "I've been pretending to be depressed." I've spoken with a handful of others who are interested to see where this experiment goes. As far as any of us can remember, no one's tried coming clean about this.
At an early age I noticed a large number of artists and authors seemed depressed, so I imitated them. It is natural to imitate the people around you, even if "around you" primarily means the people you read and watch on television or in movies. This is "around you" in a spiritual sense.
There seems to be a sense that "something is wrong" and as you fake this sense, and investigate it more deeply in order to fake it better, you begin to suspect that sense is the thing that is wrong. There are a great deal of things in the universe and most if not all of them are going somewhere else and becoming different things. So the feeling that everything is "not as it should be" is both accurate and appropriate. Things will be different soon.
The more I got to know artists, the more I desired to have confirmation from them, via communication of any kind, that they were also pretending to be depressed. Not for confirmation that this was the state of things (because I know that it is) but for admission into their inner circle of relationships. This is the most honest two creatively inclined people can be with one another, to admit to each other that emotion and perception are rides that you go on, and the actual "you" is experiencing these rides from an enjoyable perspective.
The more people I knew who refused to admit to me they were faking their depression, the more confused I got. Was I communicating incorrectly? Did they believe that I was the one who was failing to communicate that I was faking depression, was I confusing them? I got more and more exhausted with acting unhappy and withdrew from the majority of my friends. I spent a great deal of time alone and extremely happy, making art suggesting otherwise in order to attract others who were also pretending to be what I was faking.
Each of my comics can be read from a "depressed" perspective and from a "non-depressed" (i.e. healthy, self-aware and loving) perspective. From this perspective each of my comics suggests and defends the notion that depression is not a "real" experience, but one of many non-real experiences that are culturally and socially enforced by language and the apparent limits we place on our own perceptions.
I am extremely sorry about this and I hope you will forgive me.
My new book will be available before the end of the year and I hope you like it. Your rewards will come to you around the same time as the book. I will send out a request for updated addresses from everyone when the book is close to being sent out. Thank you for your continuing patience and understanding.
John Campbell managed to ship 75% of the Kickstarter rewards back to their backers, but ran out of money to ship the remainder. They made a post about it and also a video of them burning over a hundred copies of the book, and threatened to burn even more. Campbell spent US$ 30,000 producing the 200-page hardcover book and more to include a plastic-wrapped dead wasp in each copy. This left little money for shipping.
The web comic website was taken down in 2014, and Campbell requested for it not to be reposted, mirrored or archived publicly on the internet.
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